Love, James
by JMLHCPKSfan
Summary: In the months leading up to his honorable army death, James has written letters to his husband, Kendall, and their daughter. Kendall finds that through strange requests, James is helping him move on and live life again without his husband. However, moving on with Kendall's best friend was never part of James' agenda when he wrote the letters.
1. Trying

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush.**

**This is gonna seem REALLY depressing at first, but I hope you stick with it, cause it'll be epic and beautiful.**

* * *

I hated for Alex to see me cry.

Normally I tried to contain myself while she was around- I tried to be cheerful and positive for her. She really didn't understand what was going on- I couldn't expect a four-year-old to fully understand that her father has passed.

My mom never let me see her cry, and because of that I always viewed her as a strong woman. Even when my father passed when I was a kid, she always kept her composure and never let her character slip. I grew up without a father, and even if Alex has one to spare, James would never be replaced. Even when I shared the news of his passing to my mom, she said _I know it's hard, Kendall, but she can't see you break down._

My heart panged at the thought of his name.

I stood before his casket, our daughter in my arms, staring. He looked so beautiful in there- like always. Those perfect lips would never kiss me again, never kiss Alex again, never offer a huge grin again. His hazel eyes, which matched Alex's, would never again open and fill with anger or lust or happiness or tears. He looked so handsome in his honorable army uniform, his gunshot wounds invisible beneath the material.

I looked over and Alex's hazel eyes caught my green ones and she twisted her lips.

"He's a angel, you know," she said simply. I let out a choked laugh, wondering where the hell THAT came from. She had been to church maybe five times in her life. "That's what Los said. That daddy has wings now and he's protecting us."

"That's right, baby. Are you gonna miss him?" I asked with a sniffle, trying to pull myself together.

"I already do. He didn't come see me for my birthday," Alex pouted. "He said he would."

"He was busy," I explained. "But he would have come if he could."

"Yeah…" Alex sighed. I knew she missed him, even if she didn't see him a lot. I remember she was so heartbroken when Daddy didn't come light the candles on her birthday, and she didn't want to blow them out until he answered our webchat call and watched.

"Al?" I murmured, getting her eyes on mine again. "Do you understand that Daddy's not visiting anymore?"

"Los says he's always with us now."

"He can't hug you or kiss you or call you anymore," I clarified.

"Yeah… But he'll kiss me goodnight every day. And you."

Tears filled my eyes again and I had to avert them. I was glad that Carlos talked to her about angels- I think it made it easier on them. It made it easier on me, to think for a second that James really would kiss our daughter goodnight while she sleeps. It was something he wished he could do every night while he was alive, but he had to settle for a few phone calls a week instead.

"Go find Logie, okay? Ask him for a snack," I said softly, letting her down. She ran off in her little deep red dress, her chestnut curls blowing behind her as she went to find my best friend.

I looked down at my husband once more, but found that I couldn't. It really freaked me out, how still he was. My James was ALWAYS moving- never still. I wondered how he survived boot camp like that.

Instead, I moved to look at the pictures set up around the coffin.

There were some of James and Carlos as little boys at hockey practice or climbing trees. Even through twenty years, those two were still closer than I could believe. I wasn't really affected by the photos until I got deeper into his life.

Pictures of him and me at our wedding grinned up at me. Him mushing cake into my face, us kissing, our first dance, our smiles brighter than the sun. Then there were pictures of the day Alex was born- James holding the tiny pink bundle with a new light in his eyes. That was his biological baby- we spent loads of money on a surrogate mother. We were planning on a surrogate pregnancy with my child after he got out of the army, but that will never happen. There were pictures of James on his knees, holding Alex's hands above her head as she took her first steps. The last pictures were of him and I reuniting one time at the airport when he came home. I never wanted to forget that rush of pure joy- I had my baby back for a few days. Then there were some of him and Alex, then him and Carlos reuniting.

My throat closed as I shut my eyes, feeling a tear streak my face.

"You okay?" I heard a familiar voice, and a hand on my back. Logan.

"No," I sniffled, wiping at my tears. Logan's cheek rested on my shoulder and he rubbed my back soothingly.

"It's gonna be okay," he murmured. "You have me and Ally and Carlos."

I turned to my best friend and he hugged me as I let out a sob. Logan had been there for me since I took him under my wing in high school. He was the nerd who was always picked on, I was the hockey star with a big heart. We hadn't separated since.

The funeral itself was hard, but I think the hardest part, the part where I was absolutely sobbing into Carlos' shoulder as he sobbed into mine, was the burial. There were soldiers there with an American flag, carrying his casket to the sight. It was a long ceremony, and I didn't see much of it. Logan stood back and held Alex as she watched solemnly, all four of us jumping as the soldiers shot a few bullets before taps was played.

The burial made everything real. It gave me a sense that I was LOSING him, although I already lost him. Once the dirt was over him, there's no seeing him ever again. I think there was a part of me that hadn't accepted he was dead until then.

Carlos held me with a death grip, sobbing like a kid. I couldn't blame him. James was his life-long best friend. But he was MY husband, the love of MY life, and the father of MY daughter.

At the end of it all, both Carlos and Logan offered to come home with Alex and me, but I insisted I needed time alone.

* * *

I pulled he blankets over Alex and dropped to my knees by her bed. I rested my chin on my hands and looked up at her.

"I miss Daddy," she said solemnly.

"I know… Me, too, pumpkin," I sighed. "But he loved you very much- he would have given anything to kiss you goodbye one more time."

"I wish he could," she said, holding her stuffed cow to her. Her hazel eyes filled with tears for the first time, and I think it hit her that her daddy was GONE. No more meeting him at the airport, no more playing princess with him, no more snuggling with him, no more late-night phone calls.

Her little pink lip quivered and I reached up to stroke that hair that matched James'.

"I don't like the guy that hurted him," she said. My eyes dropped and I nodded understandingly.

"Daddy had a lot of friends that fought with him," I said softly. "I think they hurt that man right back. I think they hurt him really bad for hurting Daddy."

"Good."

"Go to sleep, baby girl. It'll be better tomorrow," I said, sweeping her tears away from her olive-colored cheeks. "I promise."

I gave her a gentle kiss on her lips and she hugged my neck pitifully.

When I stood, her eyes were in the air beside me. I traced her gaze, thinking maybe Logan came in or something, but there was nothing there.

"I think he's there," she said thoughtfully. "He's invisible."

I looked over, imagining James standing beside me, looking over at me with a little smile. Immediately I squeezed my eyes closed and turned away. I took a deep breath and opened them again, finding Alex smiling at the invisible "Daddy" her imagination conjured up.

"Night, pumpkin. I love you," I said softly.

"Love you, too."

I paused before leaving, looking around. I wasn't much for faith, and I didn't really believe in ghosts. But… What if he WAS here?

I whirled around to see Alex snuggled into her blanket, eyes closed with long lashes over them. I imagined James bent down to press a long kiss to her temple, like Alex said he would, and I choked and hurried out.

Everything I did after that made me think of him.

I tried to clean the kitchen, but I kept picturing him sitting at the table watching me as I worked, telling me that my ass looked good.

I tried to take a shower, but I thought about how in the mornings I would take showers and he would come in and shave and do his hair. Then I pictured him poking his head into the curtain and kissing me goodbye before going for a workout with Carlos.

Then before bed I imagined him roaming the house, locking all the doors and windows before turning off all the lights and checking on Alex. THEN he would come in for bed.

Although I went three months straight since he last visited without all that, his death stirred up so much emotion in me. Suddenly I missed him like crazy. I wished I could see him just one more time while he's NOT cold and hard in a casket.

I sat on the bed, his navy blue hoodie in my arms.

I had been sleeping with that hoodie since he joined the army- I hadn't washed it. Every time he came home I made him wear it to get his smell on it again, and tears rushed to my eyes in realization that I would never get to renew his scent again.

The sob I had been holding in since we got home suddenly came out and I buried my face in the hoodie.

Why him? He was so generous, so caring, so blithe… Why HIM of anyone?

I jumped out of my skin as my radio alarm clock suddenly went off, blasting static with a bit of a radio DJ talking. Hurriedly, I turned it off, confused, and stared at it.

"J-James?" I asked.

Needless to say, nothing happened. Okay, I didn't really believe in ghosts and didn't have any strong opinions on spirits or angels. But I thought that even if James was here as an invisible force, it was better than nothing.

I sighed and shook my head.

"Stupid alarm clock," I muttered, wiping my eyes. I finally picked up the envelope on the night stand addressed "My Honey" . I was dreading this. I had a whole box of the stuff from his army locker and stuff he wanted Carlos, Logan, Alex, and me to have, and I didn't know when I would be able to open it.

I opened the envelope to find plain computer paper, his messy writing in pen.

_Hey, Sugar Ass,_

_I hope you never ever ever ever ever read this letter. I mean, mostly because if you are, I'm dead, but also because I know you'll cry a lot. I hate when you cry._

_First thing's first, I wrote you this letter because I know there's a huge chance I'll die every single day, and I have a lot to say to you, mister. _

_I wrote a few letters to Alex, and I'll write more, and I'm telling her that I'll always be there. I know Carlos and his faith, he'll tell her I'm an angel. But Kenny, I have no IDEA what happens when I die. I like to sit here and think that if I die, I get to walk around with you and Alex and be with you every day. I'm not sure how much fun that'll be-you won't know I'm there and won't be able to hear me. But then there's a chance that there's nothing at all that happens when I die, and I'm just gone forever._

_Right now I'm at base writing to you. I think about you a lot- not as much as Alex, but I mean I think about you in bed and when I need a hug and stuff. I miss you like no other. I figured that writing letters would make me miss you less, but right now I miss you ten times more._

_The guys were talking about if they die, if they would want their girlfriends or wives to move on. _

_Of course no one wants to see their loves move on and kiss someone else. Who would I be to tell you to never love again? But deep inside, I don't want you to move on. That's selfish, though._

_No, I don't want you to move on, but you will. There's one person I know will take care of you and Alex, and one person who I want you to be with forever if not me. Carlos._

_By no means am I saying to move on immediately. I'm just saying I want you with Los. Alex could grow up with him and he would take care of you guys. He claims he's straight, but I'm telling you, sweetheart, he loves your ass._

_Don't take this as an order, soldier. Don't take it as a last wish. Take it as a strong suggestion. Just don't let her call ANYONE else "Daddy". Only you and me._

_I feel like a mushy mess, but I love you. A lot. Like, more than the day we got married. I hope I never forget the way your lips taste, or how your arms feel around me, or how hard you make me cum. I feel weird telling you this, and that's why I'm not planning on giving you this letter unless something happens to me. Sometimes I lay in my cot and I imagine you beside me. I think about your head on my shoulder, and you talking to me about anything- it doesn't matter. I just love your voice, and it still sounds so clear in my head._

_I miss you so much… I keep a wedding picture in my pocket all the time, right with the pictures of everyone else. It's the one of our first dance. I was kissing your cheek, but my back was to the camera. I love the picture just by how happy and cute you look in it. Your dimples showed in that unbeatable smile that always melts me. When I need to remember you, I want to see that. I don't want to think about how sad you looked last I saw you when you were hugging me goodbye at the airport._

_Great. Now I'm crying._

_I have to go. But before I do, I wanna ask you to do something._

_Go to the park with Alex and find our tree. I dunno what time of year it is, but I imagine things have been dreary at home and I just want to cheer you up. So take Alex to the park and find that cherry blossom tree that you and me talked about having a baby under and that Alex said her first words under. If it's in season, pick some cherry blossoms for me. _

_THEN stop being a downer and go play. _

_Okay? Okay._

_I love you, Kenny. _

_-James_

_11/8/13_

I smiled a little, running my thumb over the letters. He had written this five months ago, but the amount of thought and preplanning he put into it amazed me. I knew James was smarter than he lead on to be, but I wouldn't have thought to write "just in case" letters. He obviously put a lot of thought into conditions of things if he died and I was reading his writing.

I wanted to cry, but I was too tired. Instead, I read the letter a few more times before turning the hoodie over and inside-out, trying to find his scent. I settled for a slight James-smell near the tag, and I guess that's when I fell asleep.

* * *

**This might be a little sad, but it'll also be a love-story, so don't worry! :D **

**What do you think so far?**


	2. Cherry Blossoms

**Thank you EVERYONE who has supported this story in some way so far! It's gonna be sad, but it'll get less sad the farther it goes, as Kendall starts to heal. :D And don't worry, there WILL be Kogan.**

* * *

_"Look at this tree, honey!" James said cheerfully, pointing ahead to a beautiful pink cherry blossom tree protruding from the lush green park grass. "Let's go!"_

_"The pollen'll mess with Alex," Kendall said sternly, their daughter in her stroller before him._

_"Will not. I want a picture!"_

_Kendall groaned as he followed his husband to the tree. It WAS gorgeous with its pink flowers shining in the sunlight and some trickling down in the breeze._

_James unstrapped their daughter from her stroller and pulled her out. She was only 10 months old at the time and still tiny and helpless. Her father happily brought her forehead to his lips before cradling her gently in his strong arms._

_"Come sit," he said to Kendall, who reluctantly parked the stroller and stepped into the shade under the tree. James was already sitting, the baby on his thighs, her little hands wrapped around his index fingers._

_James looked lovingly down to Alex, her eyes up on the flowers wondrously, pink reflecting beautifully off of hazel. Kendall's heart melted now and every time he saw James like this- so in love with their daughter it hurt._

_He put the baby onto the grass and she sat on her knees, looking around curiously._

_"Jame," Kendall groaned, wanting James to stop her before she started to crawl away._

_"She's fine," James assured. He watched their daughter start to crawl around the tree, her eye on probably a bug crawling up the trunk._

_Kendall watched James pick up a cherry blossom flower, twirling it in his fingers._

_"I think I'm gonna enlist in the army," James said, looking up at Kendall. "Once Alex gets a little bigger."_

_"What?" Kendall snapped, brows furrowed._

_"Well, my dad and my grandpa and just about everyone in that line was in the army," James said. "I know it's scary- it is for me, too. To leave behind you and Al and Los and Logan. But it's something I have to do. I've been thinking about it since I was a kid."_

_Kendall was silent, eyes on his knees, not believing what he was hearing. James pressed a ginger kiss to his temple, making Kendall look up at him._

_"I love you," James offered._

_"I love you, too," Kendall said, finding such trust and strength in James' eyes. "I just hate for you to drop this on me. Can't we talk about it?"_

_"Sure. Right now."_

_Kendall paused, trying to gather his thoughts._

_"What if you die?" he asked, not really expecting what was to come three years from then- the tragic death of his husband._

_"Then… I'll die honorably. But it's pretty uncommon."_

_"I'll miss you. And so will Alex and Carlos."_

_"And I'll miss YOU. But there's phones and webcams."_

_Kendall sighed, seeing that James wasn't giving this up. He thought that maybe it was a phase, and James would forget about it._

_"Hey, baby girl!" James said cheerfully as Alex came around the tree. She grinned and grabbed Kendall's shoulder, pulling herself up on her feet._

_Kendall smiled and kissed her cheek, a hand hovering behind her back in case she fell._

_"Dadadadada," Alex babbled._

_"So close," Kendall hissed._

_"No, baby. Say Da-DEE," James said._

_"Dadadada."_

_"Daddy," Kendall said clearly. "Say DADDY."_

_Alex let out a burst of adorable baby laughter. She was slobbering now, her little pink dress blowing in the breeze._

_"She'll never say it," Kendall muttered._

_"She sorta already does."_

_"Dada is NOT a word. I'm not accepting that."_

_"Alex," James said sternly, and Alex turned to him. "Say Daddy."_

_"Alex," Alex uttered, then giggled again, but it came out more "Alice". "Alex!"_

_"Alex," Kendall said in disbelief. "She said ALEX!"_

_"More Alice, but-"_

_"Very good, pumpkin!" Kendall beamed, and Alex excitedly clapped her little hands. "Alex. That's you!"_

_"You're so smart," James said, carefully putting a cherry blossom in her hair. "You don't get that from ME."_

_"She said Alex," Kendall melted, pulling Alex down to his lap. "Her first word."_

_*MAYBE MORE?*_

* * *

"He always liked these damn trees," Carlos said as we and Alex sat beneath the tree. This big tree had a lot of memories of James sitting in this very spot, and it made my throat close up.

"Daddy, look!" Alex said excitedly, bringing me a blossom that fell to the grass. I took it and started, memories rushing back. "It's for you."

"Thanks, pumpkin," I choked. She bent her neck back to look up at the canopy of pink above us, and she took a big sniff. "This was one of Daddy's favorite places to go, Al. You said your first words here."

"I like here, too," she said, lying in the long grass, her chestnut hair flaying out.

"It's too soon," Carlos said weakly, and I looked over to find that his brows were upturned, eyes on the grass.

"He sent us here because it's one of his happy places," I said, although I had to agree that it was too soon to come here without James. "He wanted us to be happy."

"How am I supposed to be happy when my best friend is dead?"

"If you figure it out, let me know," I muttered. I looked down at the flower Alex gave me and ran my fingers over the moist petals. The smell and the flowers sounded James' laughter in my head, his unforgettable smile, and without warning I just ripped the flower in half.

I stared at the crumpled pieces, but suddenly the wind blew them out of my hand.

I closed my eyes, imagining James by my side. He would be singing to himself, looking up at the flowers and inhaling the flowery scent. My throat closed up and I opened my eyes, looking over to find only Carlos there.

Alex got up and brought me another flower. I smiled a little and pushed her hair behind her ear, putting the flower there as James always did.

"Do I look pretty?" she asked.

"You look gorgeous," I said. "Like always."

I saw him in her a lot. His eyes, his smile, his hair, his beauty. It was a blessing- she was gorgeous and I would always see him in her, but a curse because it kind of made my heart hurt.

"You have to pick a flower from the tree for Daddy," I said as I got up. I picked Alex up and held her high, her fingers meticulously finding the prettiest one before tugging it off of the tree.

* * *

I called Logan over that night to go through James' box with me. Not so much WITH me as FOR me.

He really loved James, like everyone else, but Logan was strong and logical-minded, so he wasn't as torn up about James' death as the rest of us.

We sat at the table, Alex in Logan's lap, as he opened the big cardboard box of James' possessions. His dark eyes looked in, then up at me as he reached in.

"Letters," he said, pulling out a topless shoebox full of letters in envelopes. At first glance, I saw "My Honey, #12" and "Carlitos #8". I remembered that the letter I read the previous night was addressed to "My Honey".

"I can't read," Alex said sadly, making Logan giggle as he set the letters aside.

The box of things from his locker contained a few of James' tan uniform shirts, his dog tags, the pictures he kept with him, (which contained the one he talked about in his first letter of us dancing at our wedding) which were all folded, stained, and crumpled, and a lot of camouflage clothes and a pair of boots.

"Something new to sleep with," Logan said to me as I looked at all the items on the table. Of course, he was my best friend and knew that I slept with James' hoodie, and he was right- this probably all smelled like James and I could sleep with it.

"He thought ahead," I said softly, picking up the letters. "He kept these in his locker in case. He knew we would get them if something happened."

"Looks like he numbered them," Logan noted. "He wants them read in a certain order."

I poured the envelopes onto the table, finding that there were a LOT.

Some said "Mommy", "Loge", "My Honey", "Ally-Bear", "Carlitos", "Gramma", and then there were others that I knew were for me that were addressed to "Sweet-Cheeks", "Kenny", and "My Love".

I sorted them out, finding that there were lots for Alex and I, some for Carlos, and a few for Logan and the others.

"I can't," I said, suddenly standing and turning away. After a second, I felt Logan against my back, his arms around me.

"Take your time," he said over my shoulder. "Should I stay?"

"Please."

Logan let go of me and turned.

"C'mon Alex," he said. "Let's get your PJ's on and brush your teeth."

I turned to watch Logan lead Alex to her bedroom, one of James' big camouflage jackets in her arms like a baby.

I took a deep breath and turned to the stuff on the table.

My husband wore these clothes and boots. He wore them as he was on the battle field or training or just sitting around. He wrote those letters- apparently that's all he ever did. He wore those dog tags around his neck, and they used them for the identification of his body.

"Oh, Jamie," I murmured my fingers tracing over the "DIAMOND" stitched into the other camo jacket. "I miss you."

I heard Alex giggling in the bathroom, then Logan start to laugh, too. She loved him to bits- who didn't? He was so sweet, and although his personality seemed stoic I knew he could be silly, too.

I picked up a tan shirt and brought it to my nose. The pungent James scent in the fabric made my brows knit together and tears jerk in my eyes. He didn't smell anything special, but he smelled like JAMES, and that's all that mattered.

I set the shirt aside and started carefully placing the things back into the box. I would get them out another time- a time when it was less difficult. I kept the shoebox of letters out.

I knew Carlos wasn't ready to read his letters from James, but I would give them to him until he was. I would sort them out and deliver them. I thought that my reading his letters to Alex would make her feel better. Make her feel like he was there, and let her know that he loved her more than she could understand.

* * *

I never really cried into Logan like I did that night. Normally I cried with Carlos- Carlos understood better. But I don't think Logan cries very often, and although he was great at comforting me, I knew he felt awkward when I was upset.

Anyway, he was propped up in my bed- my side, not James'- and I was absolutely sobbing into his stomach. He rubbed soothingly up and down my arm, not saying anything, just letting me let it out.

"I just wish I coulda saw him one last time," I cried.

"When was the last you talked to him?"

I stopped to think, sniffling.

"A week ago," I said, my heart jerking. A week ago he was alive and talking. Hell, five DAYS ago he was alive and talking. And now he was buried at the cemetery.

"What was the last thing he said to you?" Logan asked, and I know he knew the answer.

"Last thing he always said to me. 'I love you'."

"I think that's a pretty damn satisfying goodbye, isn't it?" Logan asked, proving a point.

"It is. But I haven't kissed him in months. I wish I could have kissed him goodbye."

"I know," Logan murmured, moving his hand to stroke my hair.

"But more than that I wish he could have kissed Alex goodbye."

"You're a good daddy for that," Logan said softly. "But I think she would want you to have it."

"She got his heart of gold," I said sentimentally, sniffling, looking down at the golden wedding ring on my finger. I didn't know if I could ever take it off. I mean, yeah, I was emotionally attached to it and it hadn't come off since the day I got married, but also because I think it's stuck.

We lay there for a while longer, my tears subsiding as Logan stroked my hair.

"Will you stay with me?" I asked quietly.

"Yeah, sure," Logan said softly.

A few minutes later, I lay in the dark, in James' side of the bed, curled up into Logan. He rubbed my arms soothingly, as I tried to fall asleep.

It had been forever since I had another man sleeping with me. I just kept thinking it was James there every time I would almost be asleep, then I would start awake and Logan would shush me.

I would close my eyes and feel his hand on my arm, his warm body against me, and although Logan is MUCH softer than my husband, I would think it was James. Sometimes when James couldn't sleep he would just lay there and stroke my hair or rub my back and watch me sleep.

Eventually I started awake to find that Logan was snoring slightly, asleep. I sighed and got up, deciding that maybe a little distraction would help.

I checked on Alex, who was sound asleep, hugging James' jacket that she stole from the box. I smiled a little and went into kiss her forehead.

I then went out to lay James' letters on the living room floor, the TV playing softly just to keep me company. I needed something to do to get my mind off of everything.

I sorted the envelopes again and put them in order, then put rubber bands around them all and set them aside.

I looked at my thick bundle, #1 on top. I was afraid, but I knew I had to open it. Maybe it would make me feel better.

The dim light pouring in from the kitchen showed me messy letters, and immediately I wanted to fold the paper up and put it away. But I didn't.

_Hello, my love._

_Stop being sad. I know you're being mopey and not fun, so quit it. I bet it's freaking Alex out, and I imagine she's freaked out enough just by losing me._

_She needs you to be strong, because that's what she knows you as. You're the strong Daddy, always have been, and that's what she needs right now._

_I know Carlos needs it too. He's lost without me. He's been lost without me even when I was alive, and I would call him and he would cry on the phone. Make sure he's okay, baby, PLEASE. _

_And I know Logan's taking care of you. Always has, always will. But I ALSO know he has a crush on you, even if he claims he's straight, I've seen him make out with guys before. I'm not supposed to tell you that, but hey, what do I have to lose? It was my bachelor party and we were all pretty hammered, but I think it still counts. Anyway, don't get too close to him. I realize he's your best friend, and that's fine, but I don't want to think about you two together. He's too serious for you. Maybe you've seen other sides of him, but I don't think he likes me, so I haven't._

_I didn't really make much of a will, because I don't have anything to give anyone. There's a ring that was my grandma's that I was SUPPOSED to propose to my wife with, haha, and Mom knows that that's Alex's when she gets old enough. _

_But for you, my love, I have something else._

_I started a savings account after our wedding, and it had money that was given to me as wedding gifts in it, plus a little of my salary each month and whatever else I could put in it. It's under my name, and the password is 3401 at the First National Bank. I don't know how much will be in it by the time you read this, if you ever do, but I was saving up for another baby and a bigger house. If I never get the chance to do that, I don't care what you do with it. Maybe keep saving it and give it to Alex, get her a car or something when she's older. Or if you decide you want to move into a bigger house, spend it on that. I don't care- just don't gamble it away or anything._

_I took out some of the money from there to go shopping. I got you a little something, and you might have gotten it by now. It's supposed to arrive in early April, but I don't know when or if you'll read this. I think you'll really like it._

_I wrote Alex a lot of letters, and some of them aren't supposed to be read till later. They're about boys and stuff. _

_I guess by the time you work up the courage to open my box, I'll have figured myself out. If I'm gone for good, I'm sorry, baby. I hope my letters make you feel better. But maybe I'm not gone. Carlos always talks about angels, and you know how I love those ghost shows. I hope I'm a ghost. That would be badass. _

_WHATEVER has become of me, I loved you a lot. I wrote these letters to make me miss you less, but also in case something happens to me. I want to be able to be there for you even when I'm not there. I want to help you heal and help you be happy again. But I also know how stubborn you are, and if you don't participate I wrote WORDS for NOTHING. _

_Just try to cooperate._

_Oh, and don't read all my letters at the same time. Try to spread them out._

_I love you._

_-James_

_11/13/13_

I silently folded the letter, twisting my lips.

He got me a gift? What could he have gotten? And if it was supposed to arrive in early April, shouldn't I have gotten it by now? It was now mid-April.

"Kendall?" Logan asked gruffly, stumbling into the living room. "You okay?"

"Yeah," I said, getting up and setting the letter on the floor. I turned off the TV and guided Logan back to the bedroom, where this time I slept much better.


	3. Like He's Here

I somehow managed to wake up in a great mood. Logan was face-down beside me, drooling a river on my pillow. He was such a great friend- straight as an arrow, yet not afraid to sleep with his best friend. It reminded me of what James said in his letter about his theory on Logan's sexuality. Had he really made out with guys?

I rolled out of bed and went to Alex's room. It was 9 o'clock, and I knew she should be waking up soon.

Stuffed animals and dolls littered the soft white carpet as I stepped into my daughter's room. I opened the pink curtains and the window, letting in the sound of singing birds. James normally woke her up- he loved to do that when he was home.

"Morning, beautiful," I sang as Alex stirred in her bed. I bent to pick up toys and toss them in the toy box. "What do you wanna do today?"

"Sleep."

"Except that."

Alex sat up, pushing disheveled chestnut hair from her face. She looked around, lifting pillows and stuffed animals, and finally pulled James' camo jacket out and hugged it to her.

"How about we clean up? This place is a mess," I suggested. It was messy even before we got the news about James' death, and since then nobody has cleaned anything- only added to the mess.

"No."

"And we should go to the store. Maybe we'll get some flowers for Daddy's grave. Wanna?"

"Pink ones?"

"Any kind you want, Daddy will love."

I closed the toy box and went to pick her up from the bed. She left the jacket on the bed and put her arms sleepily around my neck.

"Did you sleep good?" I asked, carrying her to the kitchen.

"Yeah. I don't 'member my dream."

"Well you went to bed a little early- that's why."

"Oh."

I was making pancakes as Alex called Carlos on my phone and invited him over for breakfast. I hoped he wasn't too down this morning- it would bring my mood WAY low.

"Mornin' Logie," Alex said happily. I looked back to see Logan behind her chair, kissing her hair before bunching it up for a ponytail. He looked up at me as he tied the hair away from her face and I smiled.

"What're you drawing, booger?" Logan asked her, and I noticed that Alex was drawing with a pen on something…

"ALEXANDRA," I scolded, ice pouring into my stomach, seeing the slightly yellow paper folded into thirds. I snatched the paper away, my heart breaking as I saw that the back of James' letter was scribbled on.

"What?" Alex demanded hotly.

"This is VERY important and you drew on it!"

"Kendall, calm down," Logan hissed.

"This is a letter from James, Logan!" I growled, turning the paper over to see that the words were unscathed.

"Who's James?" Alex wondered.

"It's not a big deal," Logan said angrily to me. "James would have loved that and you know it."

Calming down, I sighed and folded the letter up. I knew he was right. If James knew that Alex had drawn on the back of his letter, he would think it was an adorable touch. He wouldn't care at all. Neither should I- I guess I was still emotional after all.

"Who's James?" Alex demanded.

"It's Daddy," I said, putting the letter atop of the refrigerator.

"Daddy sended you a letter? I want one!"

"You have one," Logan said brightly.

"I do?"

Logan looked up at me, knowing it was my decision whether or not to read the letters to her. I nodded a little, showing that I wanted him to read.

Logan went to find the letter and I turned to flip the pancakes.

"Los is here," Alex said, obvious mad for me yelling at her. Sure enough, Carlos came in the door a few seconds later, looking like he had no life left in him.

He seemed to brighten up a bit as Alex ran up to hug his legs and pull him to the kitchen.

"Hi," he said softly to me, sitting beside Alex at the circular table.

"Hey."

"Hey, bud," Logan said to Carlos, entering the kitchen again. Carlos smiled a little and waved as Logan sat on Alex's other side.

* * *

"Dear Ally," Logan read aloud. I turned to listen, Carlos watching Logan intently, yet to find out that he had his own stack of mail from James.

_Hi, baby! I'm sure someone is reading this to you, and that's okay. Just pretend I'm saying it instead._

_I know that things at home have been really gloomy and sad, and I know you're being the big girl you are and taking care of everyone. _

_The thing that I feel saddest about is that I didn't get to spend enough time with you. One day you're a year old, then next I see you you've got all your baby teeth and have such a pretty face, like an angel. Hopefully you never have to read this letter and I can tell you this myself. Hopefully I'll be out of the army soon and we can spend every day together._

_My friends that live with me always talk about their babies and show me pictures, and I have to say, honey, you're DEFINITELY the cutest of them all. Of course you are- you look just like me! The other guys talk about their wives and their little sons, but I don't care. I have the most perfect family and you make it so amazing._

_I know that you miss me a lot, but you don't know that I miss you a thousand times more than that. When everything's quiet here at night, I just think about your cute little laugh and how adorable your smile is. Your smile is what keeps me going._

_Do you remember that time I came home and we slept together almost every night? Daddy was mad that you stole me away, but I loved cuddling you and hearing your cute little snores. You know, there aren't cute little baby girls here in my tent- I have to soak you up as much as I can while I'm home._

_Right now, while I'm writing, the last time I saw you was two weeks ago on the computer. You know I don't get to use the computer very much, but when I get to, I love to watch how big you got. You're growing so fast, baby, and I hate to miss it._

_Remember when Grammy Knight had those baby chickens, and they were so tiny? Then the next week we saw them again and they were huge? That's how you are, Ally-bear. It seems like you grow a foot every time I come home to hug you, and soon I'm afraid you'll be as big as me!_

_I hope that this letter helped you. I'm going to write a few more for you. I know it can be lonely at home, when Daddy and Los are sad and Logie has to take care of them. I just want you to know that I'm there with you all the time. I hope you can understand that._

_I love you so much._

_-Daddy_

Logan looked up at Alex and she excitedly took the paper and stared at the words, not knowing what they said. Her little fingers, nails painted pink by Carlos weeks ago, ran over the writing and she looked up at me with her little hazel eyes alight.

Carlos sniffled, bringing my attention to him furiously wiping at his tears.

"That was just so sweet," he choked.

"Los," I said softly, going to him and petting his hair. "He left a few for you, too."

"Yeah?" he asked, looking up at me. I nodded with a little smile.

"But first we eat," I said. "Then we have some stuff to do, don't we, Ally?"

"YOU do. I'll play."

"She's gonna supervise," Logan said smartly.

"Fine. Then I guess YOU'RE helping clean."

"I'll help," Carlos said, getting up to get plates out. "I need to DO something."

* * *

I kept an eye on Alex outside playing in the grass with her dolls as I cleaned up the kitchen. The backyard wasn't fenced in, but a really nice old couple lived on the other side of the lawn and they always said hi to Alex or brought her cookies. At first I was skeptical, but then James went to meet them and assured me that they were genuinely nice people- the man was a veteran (they talked forever about the army and stuff once) and the woman was the typical old lady with her quilts and baked goods. So we didn't worry about Alex being alone in the back.

"You're in a good mood," Carlos said, setting dishes from the living room in the sink.

"For the first time in weeks," I agreed. "It's weird. Did you read any of your letters?"

"No. I need to be alone when I do- I know they'll be sad."

"I hate for you to be alone at home," I said. "Why don't you stay here? Al would love that."

"I have my own grieving process and it works best in solitude," Carlos assured. "Don't worry about me. I'm getting there."

I nodded regretfully and he looked longingly out to Alex.

"Go play," I sighed.

"You're the best," he said excitedly, hurrying to the glass door to the backyard.

"Mow the grass while you're out there!" I called as the door closed. I had a feeling he wouldn't be mowing the grass.

* * *

_Carlos was the first to jump into James' strong arms at the airport. It was the first time James was returning home after joining the army, and he had missed him like no other. James lit up and crushed his best friend in his arms as Carlos let out a sob of happiness._

_James carried Carlos over to Kendall, Alex's hand in his. She was only one and a half._

_After he detached Carlos from himself, James got to his camouflage knees and took his baby daughter in his arms. She giggled happily, her little arms around his neck._

_"Missed you! Missed you!" she chimed. James melted and pulled back, taking her little head in his hands._

_"I missed you, too, angel," he said tearfully, giving her a kiss. "I missed you so much."_

_He hugged her for a long time before he pealed himself away and stood. Without warning, he swept Kendall up in a hug, making Kendall laugh tearfully and hug him back._

_"Gosh I missed you," James groaned, letting him down and giving him a rough kiss. "Are you crying?"_

_Kendall laughed as he was kissed again, then James crushed him in another hug. His muscle mass had doubled since the last time Kendall hugged him. Not to mention he looked VERY sexy in his uniform._

_"I love you," Kendall whimpered, kissing his cheek._

_"I love you way more than you know. I realized that while I was lying alone in my cot, horny as fuck, just wanting someone beside me," James said softly._

_After a few minutes, Carlos took James' backpack (WAY heavier than he anticipated, which made him stagger under the weight) and James scooped up Alex. People applauded as he passed them in the airport, making him give a dazzling grin._

_Alex put her little head on his shoulder and played with the collar of his jacket. She didn't know where her daddy went for so long, but she missed him holding her._

* * *

"You okay?" Logan asked me softly, standing beside me at the sink.

"Yeah. I was just thinking," I said, snapping out of my trance. "About James. You know."

"I'm here for you, bud," he said to me. "As long as you need me."

I smiled and nodded, looking back down at the dishes I was washing. I didn't know how much longer I would need Logan. Probably until my bed stopped feeling so lonely, until I was able to be alone. How long would that be?

How long would it be until I could give away James' knick knacks and clothes? Maybe once I was healed, I would be able to wear James' clothes the way I used to a lot.

"You're being a huge help," I said to Logan.

"That's what best friends are for," he said, rubbing my shoulder soothingly.

"Hey, Loge?" I asked quickly before he could walk away. He turned back to me, waiting. "Are you gay?"

"What?" Logan laughed. "No!"

"It's just that James had this theory that you were in-the-closet. Something happened at his bachelor party- you made out with some guys?" I asked casually.

"I was so wasted- I can't be held accountable for that," Logan smirked.

"He also had this theory that you didn't like him," I said simply. Logan laughed a little and shook his head.

"Maybe I didn't," he admitted. "I mean, obviously I HAD to like him to an extent. But maybe I thought he was too cocky and a little bit of a douche until he joined the army."

As if on cue, a pot came crashing down from the hanger above the island counter, making us both jump.

My first instinct was remembering that that hook was faulty- it always failed and sent that pot falling down and clanging to the floor. Then I started to think that it was awfully strange that it happened just after Logan made that confession…

No, that's stupid. It's not like it was James that did that or anything. I was being unreasonable.

"James was supposed to fix that damn thing next time he was home," I grumbled, going to pick the pot up. "I guess I need to get on that soon."

"Yeah. That scared the shit outta me," Logan laughed nervously. I set the pot on the counter and went back to the sink. "Anyway, since he joined the army I really started liking him more. He seemed to have more passion for you and Alex, you know? He had more passion for ME, like he missed ME, too."

"He's always been passionate for us," I said. "But he missed us more when he was in the army. He thought that you hated him because he was with me. Like you were jealous."

Logan laughed and rolled his eyes.

"That's just like him to think."

"Yeah," I laughed, although I wasn't so sure. "But Loge, don't be scared to talk to me about this stuff."

"I'm not gonna come out to you," Logan retorted good-naturedly. "But if I suddenly decide I'm Team Hotdog even a little, you'll be the first to know."

I looked out the window to find that Carlos was holding Alex up above his head and she was giggling and wiggling.

She had a great team of caretakers, even without James. I was her daddy- I told her no when I had to and made decisions. Logan was more technical- he liked to take care of her in ways like dressing her and making her food. Carlos always entertained her and cheered her up. Right now, it seemed that she was cheering HIM up.

But James did all of that.

He was such a good daddy. He played with her and cuddled her and fed her and took care of her, and he understood her because they were just alike. His only downfall was his inability to tell her no. She always knew that if she wanted something, she could always ask James and James would never resist, even if I did. She adored him. I knew she was torn up about his death, but she didn't understand those feelings. She only really understood happiness and being physically hurt. She had never had a reason to be sad, and she didn't know how to express the sadness.

"I'm glad to see him smile," Logan said, also gazing out at them. "He's having such a rough time lately."

"How could he not? James was his best friend in the world."

"But he was the love of YOUR life."

"Sometimes I think he was for Carlos, too. In a weird way. In a non-romantic way," I said thoughtfully. "I dunno, Loge. But he's sensitive- James said that sometimes he would talk to him on the phone and Los would cry."

"Awe."

"I can hold myself together better than he can. It's part of being a dad- you have to always plaster on a semi-happy face for your kid. Carlos… He lets it all out all the time," I sighed. "Poor guy."

"But at the same time, he's the happiest person I know any other time."

"Maybe."

Logan left silently, and I turned to say something only to find that he was gone.

* * *

**Before you click away and never read this again, just know that this isn't gonna be some weird supernatural ghost story thing that will end in Logan having to defeat James' ghost with some ectoplasmic sword or anything. Okay? Okay.**


	4. Come Together

_My Sugar Ass,_

_A lot of the guys in my tent are gone for Valentine's Day. I hate that I couldn't make it home this year- you say that you're okay without me, that you and Logan and Los are gonna take Alex out to dinner and watch a movie. But I think you're bummed out._

_I tried to sleep, but I'm too riled up. My body is used to being riled up at this time on February 14th, you know? I'm James- I can't turn it off!_

_I was lying there trying to sleep and I kept thinking about last year. Remember? We hadn't seen each other for months and I surprised you with my visit. We left Alex at Los' house and we had the whole night to ourselves. _

_You made me homemade pizza with a shitload of pepperonis. You know the way to my heart. We sat at the table and talked about our relationship- the past, present, and future. I loved it, even if it was just homemade pizza in my kitchen._

_Little did you know, I had set up a whole scene in the bathroom and bedroom of rose petals and candles. We took a bath with some red wine- your favorite. Nothing sexual, surprisingly. We stayed in there until the water was cold and the wine was gone. Then we got out buck ass naked and didn't even care._

_That night we made love. A lot. I mean, it wasn't sex, Kenny, it was LOVE. Hot, sweaty, reuniting love. I'll never forget that night. Even now I'm thinking about it and it's driving me nuts._

_My favorite part was the end of the first of many times that night. On lonely nights I lay here and think about the way you screamed at the end. The way your face looked, the sound of that unbelievably hot moan-scream, the way I FELT at that moment. I'm not just talking about emotionally or how my pride felt, but how I physically FELT. I exploded._

_I think by the time I came back to camp, I was covered in hickeys. Of course everyone saw them in the showers and teased me or congratulated me. I think I left you with a fair amount, too._

_I called you earlier before you were going out and you told me that you would make it up to me next time I was home. I can't wait for that. You told me that you wanted me to save up all my sexual tension, and you would do the same. I can't imagine how amazing that night will be._

_I just hope you go through with it. I want it to be as great for you as it will be for me._

_I miss you, too. Not just your ass. Although I miss your ass A LOT._

_I can only hope that you think about me as much as I think about you. I hope you aren't thinking about anyone else. If we were to ever get a divorce for some reason, I wouldn't move on. I might have a lot of sex, because I'm James, but I wouldn't fall in love again. I wouldn't want you to, either, but I think that might be unrealistic and a little bit possessive._

_Hopefully I never have to worry about you screaming like you did that night for another man._

_I love you._

_-J_

_P.S. Is it cheating if I have a wet dream? I'm SORRY, okay? You know I have a problem with that and I can't control it! I guess I'll ask you next time I talk to you on the phone._

* * *

I smiled a little, absently folding up the letter. They were getting easier to read, and I knew that was his goal- to help me heal. No longer did I feel like cryin while I read, but I felt like he was here, talking to me. He put his personality perfectly into his writing.

Logan had gone home to get some fresh clothes, and now Alex and I were out front. I was sitting on the front steps with Alex using chalk to draw on the sidewalk and driveway. I wasn't so easy to let her play alone out front. I knew she was a gorgeous little girl and creepers are everywhere- she could easily be snatched.

I knew exactly what James was talking about in the letter.

He was so sad that he couldn't come home for Valentine's Day. I thought that he was covering his ass, and would randomly appear somewhere some time that night as a Valentine's Day surprise, but I knew he was serious after a while of talking to him.

He told me how horny he was- how if he could have anything it would be me in his tent alone, just for an hour. I thought that if I had that, I wouldn't spend that time on sex, I would be cuddling him, talking to him, soaking him up.

I'm a man- I get "lonely" and need "release", too. Especially on Valentine's Day- the day of love. I never really cared about the holiday, but James LOVED it. He loved to go overboard with romantic roses and candles and gifts. Honestly, the most I had ever really done for him in all our years on that day was sing him a song I wrote about him called "Crazy For U" and that was toward the beginning of our relationship.

And I knew exactly what scream he was talking about that drove him nuts. I didn't even mean for that scream to happen, but if you felt how intense that orgasm was, you would scream that way, too. James was VERY good at making that happen as explosively as possible.

This sweet talk only succeeded in making me fall in love with James all over again, which was bitter-sweet, because I couldn't have him.

I always loved how simple he was with his sexual feelings. He didn't hold back even a little, which I liked. I could practically feel him trying to butter me up, kissing my neck from behind and pressing himself against my ass. If James was in the mood, it didn't matter if I was or not. He would pick me up and take me to the bed and make SURE I was in the mood.

And he ALWAYS made it worth my while. He was an amazing lover.

I looked up at Alex through the setting sunlight and realized that she was drawing a HUGE heart on the driveway.

"What're you doing, pumpkin?" I asked.

"Drawing a heart for Daddy to see from heaven," Alex answered simply. I smiled, heart melting, and I got up to help. I wasn't sure what I believed became of James now, but I would do anything to help my baby out with her healing process.

Logan parked on the street instead of the driveway, seeing that we were having a good time and not wanting to make us move, and got out with a backpack and a big plastic bag full of something.

"Logie, we're makin' a heart for Daddy!" Alex said excitedly. "So he can saw it in heaven!"

Logan grinned a dimply smile. He was all logical, as I mentioned before, and was a quiet atheist, although he had never said so, and only believed in science. How do you break a little girl's dreams about her angel father seeing her heart, though?

It ALSO drove him nuts the way Alex was horrible at grammar. James always thought it was cute and told us not to correct her- she would learn on her own.

Logan swooped down and took my envelope marked "Sexy" from my back pocket. I shot up and reached for it, but he pulled it away, looking confused.

"You don't wanna read that," I warned.

"Why?" he smirked. "Is it about me?"

"No, it's-" I dropped to a whisper so Alex wouldn't hear. "A very graphic love letter."

Logan blushed a little and laughed, letting me snatch the envelope from his hand.

"What's in the bag?" I asked, carefully slipping the letter back into my pocket.

"Chinese," Logan said cheerfully.

"Gosh I love you," I said excitedly.

"I figured you were having a good day, I wanted to complete it with a good meal."

We took Alex in and washed the chalk from our hands (and Alex's face and clothes) and sat down to eat.

* * *

Alex was really tired from her day of playing and shopping and cleaning, so she fell asleep on the couch. Logan took her to bed as I got out some wine and two glasses. The mention of red wine in James' letter made me crave some, and I knew that Logan and I could both use a glass or two.

We sat on the couch and turned on some movie- I don't remember what it was- in the dark. It was great to have "me time", but even better to have "me and Logan time".

Logan curled up beside me, his wine glass between his folded legs and his stomach. He was just so CUTE, like a puppy or something. Even in his mid-twenties he did teenager-like things like this once in a while.

I whirled the wine in my glass, the glare from the TV lighting the liquid inside.

"What're you thinking about?" Logan asked, not taking his eyes from the screen. I paused, trying to find out what I was thinking about.

"Nothing," I said in wonder. He looked over at me, brows knitted.

"Must be nice," he said. Poor Logan- his mind was constantly whirling with EVERYTHING from information to opinions to philosophy.

"It is. Especially now when EVERYTHING is on my mind."

"I'm glad you're getting better," he said, with a little smile.

"I'm not," I said, turning back to the TV. "I think I'm numb."

"I don't know how you feel," he admitted. "I've never been really heartbroken. I've never lost someone. I've never even so much as been in love."

"I want you to find a girl that you can hurt for, but at the same time I want to save you from that."

Logan looked over at me sentimentally.

"You're always saving me," he said softly. "Ever since high school."

"And right now you're paying me back. By being here with me because I need you," I shrugged.

Logan smiled and unfolded himself a little to take a two-handed childish sip of his wine.

I heard the front door open and close, and I knew it was Carlos. He and Logan always let themselves in- they were regulars, and it wasn't like Addie and I had anything private going on that they couldn't see. Even if I was showering when they came over, Addie sitting obediently on the toilet so I could keep an eye on her, they would come right in the bathroom and say hi.

Carlos plopped down on the couch and hugged Logan's side, making Logan go a bit stiff. Carlos was upset, and I knew he had read James' letters. He sniffled and laid his forehead on Logan's shoulder.

"You okay?" I asked.

"I thought I could be alone, but then I decided I needed to talk," Carlos said softly.

Logan gave me a look and I smirked. He was okay with me hanging on him, but Carlos? Not so much.

I got up and sat on Carlos' other side, Carlos switching to hug me instead. I offered him a sip of my wine, which he thankfully took, and Logan muted the TV.

"What's going on?" I asked, rubbing Carlos' back soothingly.

"I only got one letter read," Carlos sighed. "He started talking about his favorite childhood memories with me, and how there's a guy that was at his base that was just like me. And he said that I have to marry you," he giggled a little at that. "And that he missed me and stuff."

"That sounds good," I said, confused. I knew, though. I knew that just James' writing made someone feel like he was there, and that made you sad, because you knew he wasn't.

"It was. But now I miss him a thousand times more," Carlos sniffled. "And he put a picture of us in it."

Carlos pulled the picture out of his pocket and I looked at it through the dim light. It was them at the concert they went to a few visits ago. James' arm was around Carlos' neck, and they were both holding cups of beer up to the camera. I knew that night meant the world to them both.

"I miss him so much," Carlos said with heartbreaking sadness.

"Me, too," I sighed, pulling him closer in attempt to soothe him before he could start crying again. If he cried, I would cry, too. "Wanna sleep over with us?"

Carlos nodded pitifully. I knew that no matter who you are or what your sexuality is, a night in someone's arms made everything hurt less for a while.

* * *

"You two stink," Logan mumbled, sitting on the edge of the bed, Carlos getting comfortable beside me. "Literally. When was the last time you showered?"

I shrugged, looking over at Carlos, who also shrugged. We had bigger things to worry about other than bathing, okay? Like grieving. And taking care of a little girl.

"Just lay down." I said.

"No- I think I'll go home," Logan sighed.

"What? No!"

"I wasn't special to James, and I can't possibly be the best person for you two to confide in. You have each other," Logan reasoned.

"You WERE special to him," I argued. "You were his husband's best friend. He cared about you."

Logan shook his head irritably. I knew he would never admit it, but James' death wasn't a huge event in his life. They were sort of oil-and-water obviously. Logan's stark personality clashed with James' constant bubbliness at every chance, not to mention James' suspicion that Logan was in love with me. They never said that out loud, and they never showed it directly. It was just little things like avoiding eye contact and James instantly claiming me like a dog peeing on a tree any time Logan was alone with me. Of course, the two most important men in my life were always there for ME and put their differences aside if I needed it, but they sure didn't like it.

But of course, James would never say out loud that he didn't like Logan. He knew Logan was important to me, and besides that he never admitted he disliked ANYONE.

"It's too late to be driving," I said, getting my knees on the bed before him. "AND you've been drinking."

Logan gave me a longing look, like "you know what I'm thinking, don't make me say it!" And I did know. He was feeling left out because he couldn't relate to us, and he had had enough of that in high school, being an outcast.

"I don't want you out this late," I said sternly. "We're just sleeping."

"Yeah, totally not gay AT ALL," Carlos added jokingly.

"I mean, it's gay for ME. Everything is," I winked to Logan, making him smile a little. "It's just three friends comforting each other."

Logan sighed and nodded. Soon the lights were turned off and Logan was lying on my other side. We were just three dudes in a big bed, lying on their backs staring at the dark ceiling.

"Hey, Kendall?" Carlos asked quietly, voice like a whisper through the dark.

"Yeah?"

"Is it okay if I…"

"Yeah."

Carlos rolled over and I accepted him in my arm, his warm body snuggled against mine. I was glad that as a straight man, he wasn't afraid to snuggle with a gay man. That showed his true character.

His breath came warm through his nose onto my chest and I knew he was exhausted by the way he fell asleep instantly. I didn't know when he last slept.

Logan rolled over to put his back to me. I didn't know what his problem was- whether he was jealous or mad at me or what- but I snaked an arm around him and pulled him to me.

"Kendall," Logan growled.

"Logie."

Logan sighed and rolled over, nestling against me, his hair tickling my cheek. I'm not gonna lie- this was a gay man's dream and I felt like a pimp.

"Love ya, buddy," I giggled.

"I love you," Logan said sleepily.

We lay in complete silence, the men under my arms drifting off. I was thinking about James, how he would like to cuddle this way. Even though he was much bigger than me, he liked to snuggle into me and let me take care of him.

I found that I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about James, and I furiously avoided the mention of his sexy letter in my mind. It would be bad to get "excited" in this situation, two straight men snuggled up on me.

Logan took in a deep breath through his nose and shifted closer to me, his hand unconsciously moving up my stomach and chest, past Carlos' hair, and hugging my neck. It felt good to have a man do that even if he was asleep. Yes, James hadn't been gone for that long, but before that I hadn't seen him in forever.

I hated that my mind was drifting, but James' letter reminded me of how sex-deprived I was. And of course I loved men, and I had two sexy ones right here. But DAMMIT, my husband just died! I'm a widower! A single father! I can't be thinking about sex or how much I missed cuddling and feeling morning wood against me when I woke up. It had been YEARS since I had all this consistently.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I needed to sleep. It was like 3 AM.


	5. Guitar

"DADDY!" Alex called though the house, getting my attention from the bills sprawled out on the coffee table. I sighed and got up. "Someone's at the door!"

I heard the heavy door open and I came into view. My daughter was standing at the open door and a man in a UPS uniform with a clipboard stood there.

"Package for Kendall Knight?" he asked me.

"That's me…" I said skeptically, and the man shoved the clipboard toward me to sign. He then picked up a big and skinny box and handed it to me.

Alex closed the door and looked up excitedly.

"What is it?" she asked. "A present?"

"I dunno. Let's go see," I suggested, leading her to the kitchen. I looked at the label and saw that it was from some music company that I didn't recognize, and of course I started to get excited.

The mystery box was pretty heavy, which surprised me, and it didn't move when I shook it. I didn't order anything, and I wondered what it was.

Alex had the scissors ready for me when I put the box on the table, and I cut the tape.

Anticipation took us both over as we pushed foam popcorn from something big and black. My brows furrowed, seeing that it was a guitar case. But then I got really excited. I didn't know where it came from, but I hoped there was a guitar in there.

I didn't take it from the box before I found the latches and opened it. Foam popcorn fell down onto a shiny, polished, absolutely perfect acoustic guitar. Eyes wide, I picked it up for us to look at.

It was black, with electric green around the hole and fading into the black. A big "Kendall" almost glowed on the side in silver, flowing above where my knee would be when I played it.

"Lookie!" Alex said, picking up a piece of paper with printed words on it from the bottom of the case. I thought it was a receipt, but then I saw a "My Cutiepie" at the top.

I sat the guitar down carefully and took the paper.

_My Cutiepie,_

_I have no idea when you'll get this, but I hope you love it._

_I know that you stopped playing so much since I joined the army, and I want to change that. You're so talented and have such a pretty voice, and I know Alex loves when you sing. You love that dirty old worn out guitar, I know, but I also know that you've been wanting a shiny new one since forever._

_Sorry it took so long for them to make it- I customized it just for you. I hope it's worth the wait._

_Play something pretty on it. I'll hear it when I come home._

_-James_

My heart clenched and my eyes squeezed closed.

He would never hear the song when he came home.

He was so sweet- even when he was at base, he somehow found time and a computer to order me a gift. He made it just for me, custom to my likings. I didn't want to see the receipt- I'm sure it cost a lot.

I composed myself, trying not to cry, before picking the guitar up again.

"It's from Daddy. He ordered it a long time ago for me," I told my daughter.

"Play it!" Alex said excitedly, her little fingers on the shining "Kendall". Her ringing voice cheered me up and I couldn't help but grin.

"Let's go outside," I suggested. "On the swing."

I left the note behind and followed Alex out to the wooden porch swing on the front porch. Her bare feet folded beneath her and she looked up at me with her daddy's excited hazel eyes.

I strummed my thumbnail across the strings and a slightly out-of-tune chord sounded, sending memories into my head.

* * *

_"Like this?" James asked, brows furrowed, his fingers holding steady on the neck of Kendall's old guitar. Dark hair blew across his forehead, a childish glow to his cheeks and eyes. He was so young- barely 19- living every day free as a bird._

_Kendall meticulously moved one of James' fingers and nodded._

_"That's right," he said supportively._

_"This is too hard," James whined, looking up at his boyfriend. "Can't we just go walk?"_

_Kendall twisted his lips and sat back in the grass, where they were at the park. The warm summer sun made his long blonde hair glow and his eyes shine greener than normal._

_"This was your idea," he pointed out._

_"I didn't know it would be like this," James groaned. "You play it."_

_Before Kendall could argue, James had set the guitar in his lap and was lying in the long grass. His hair was long and blew in the breeze as he looked happily up to the clouds, listening to the soft guitar music playing from beside him._

_"Do you want kids?" Kendall asked, absently strumming chords into a little melody. James' head tipped to look dreamily at him._

_"That's a random question," he said. Kendall shrugged and James twisted his lips in thought. "Kids… Kids… I mean, I've never really thought about it. I don't plan on being with a woman anytime soon, so I guess not."_

_"There are ways to have a baby with a husband."_

_"How?"_

_"You can adopt. Or you can have a surrogate mother."_

_"I dunno, Kendall. What about you?"_

_"I want a big family," Kendall said confidently. "Lots of babies. Mainly boys, but I'd love girls, too."_

_"Watch, you'll be one of those dads with all girls," James teased._

_"I'd be okay with it. As long as whoever I'm with is solid, and we're in love," Kendall said dreamily. They avoided assuming that they would end up with one another- what if it didn't work out?_

_"What about marriage?" James asked._

_"What about it?"_

_"I've always been a bachelor myself, but I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately. What do you think about it?"_

_"I'd love to be married. To the right person."_

_"I think it's weird we're talking about this, assuming we won't be having a family with each other," James laughed a little._

_"Well, I didn't want to push it," Kendall said sheepishly. "I mean, if you're the one I'm meant to marry and have kids with, so be it. If not, you understand."_

_"How do we know?"_

_Kendall stopped strumming and thought a second._

_"I dunno," he said quizzically._

_"Does it matter? All that matters is that we're young and together," James smiled reassuringly. "We don't have to worry about that stuff."_

_"What if I want to worry about it?" Kendall challenged. James sat up, a little smirk across his lips._

_"Tell you what. Until further notice, I'm the one," he said sweetly. "And you're the one who's gonna change me into a family man. Deal?"_

_Kendall grinned sweetly, making James do the same._

_"Deal."_

_James leaned forward to kiss Kendall gently before falling back into the grass again._

_"Hey, James?" Kendall asked softly, putting the guitar aside and lying beside his boyfriend._

_"Yup?" James accepted Kendall into his arm and they looked up at the sky._

_"I think I love you."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Me, too," James said thoughtfully. "I think I love you, too."_

_Neither of them would ever foresee their futures together- James becoming a loving husband to Kendall, raising a daughter with him._

* * *

Alex looked at me in absolute awe as I strummed. I was rusty, but she didn't know that. She just knew that I was actually playing music on that thing.

I kept thinking about James and how much he loved when I played guitar. Sometimes when I was writing a song I would play a few different melodies and ask which he liked better, and he would be so meticulous about the decisions. He tried learning to play several times, but all he really grasped was how to play "Smoke On The Water", of course.

Alex lay her little head on my arm as she listened, and I looked up to find Logan parking in the driveway. I stopped strumming as he got out.

"What're you doing here?" I called.

"I miss you!" Logan grinned. He just left that morning to see his parents and do errands, but I didn't mind him being here. I kind of missed him, too. He came up the stairs and stood against the rail across from us. "Where'd you get that? That's gorgeous."

"James ordered it for me a long time ago- it just got here like twenty minutes ago," I said, handing it over for him to admire. "I love it."

"Damn," he laughed, handing it back, obviously impressed. It WAS a gorgeous guitar.

"It sounds like angels singing, too," I said, strumming to display the sound.

"So it does. Play us something."

"I don't know how much I remember," I laughed a little, trying to think of a song as Logan sat beside me.

Alex climbed into Logan's lap as I started to play one of my old songs, but I didn't think I could sing with it just yet. More practice. I knew that was James' intention- if he got me a pretty guitar that sounded good, I would enjoy playing and practice more. He always loved to listen to me practice. He loved it when I messed something up and cussed or when I mumbled to myself as I tried to figure out a chord or lyrics.

I played a song I wrote for James called "Love Letter", and he always loved it.

As I played the wind chimes glistened through the air, making my heart soar. I felt a sleepy head on my shoulder and looked over, expecting Alex's, but finding Logan's. The wind chimes immediately stopped, and I thought nothing of it.

"Wanna learn?" I asked as the song trailed away. Logan looked up at me, a smile gracing his face.

The BANG! of the screen door beside me slamming closed made us both jump and break eye contact.

I giggled, looking back and rolling my eyes at the door.

"Yeah- I'll learn a little," he said. He set Alex beside him and took the guitar in his lap. I squatted before him and positioned his fingers- he was a lot more cooperative than James, who would move his fingers right after I positioned them.

Within seconds, he strummed the chord with a smile, making me smile, too.

"Perfect," I complimented, our eyes locking.

"I have a great teacher."

We laughed a little, eyes on each others. I never really looked at Logan's eyes, but I was now. They were almost boyish and innocent, with so much intelligence in them. Out here in the sun I could see his pupils against the dark brown, but inside they were invisible.

The moment was crushed as a cylinder from the wind chimes fell, making a metallic clang on the wooden porch and rolling off onto the grass.

"Damn thing. The strings are weathered," I sighed, getting up. "Convenient how these things happen in the nick of time, right?"

* * *

"Alex," I read from the top of Alex's next letter from James. She was lying in her bed- it was late, and she said that she couldn't sleep. I decided maybe a letter would help her. I looked over at her before continuing. I had braided her hair into a French braid and she was holding James' camo jacket to her chest beneath the blankets, her hazel eyes intense as she listened.

_I was thinking today about the day you were born. I was so happy- I could never express it to you. Daddy was really nervous, and he didn't want something to go wrong, but I knew you would come out perfect. You were a DIAMOND._

_They brought you to us in a little pink blanket, and you were crying. You know, a daddy can hear his baby's cry from miles away, and to this day I can remember it so clearly._

I knew that James was being careful not to mention Alex's surrogate mother. That was something we planned on telling her about together later on- when she was old enough to know about birth and sex and things. Of course her mother was there, and she was the first to hold Alex with James and me at her flanks.

_The first time I held you, I fell in love with you. You were so tiny and warm, and you had stopped crying and looked up at me. Your daddy said something about how your eyes were exactly like mine, and your lips, too. You were so pretty- like an angel in my arms._

_You grew up so fast._

_There were times when I wanted to hold you and never let you go, but then Daddy or Logie or Los would take you from me and I would get mad._

_The point is, I can never explain how much I love you. Daddy loves you just as much as I do. When you have your own baby, you'll understand. _

_Leaving you at home at this point in your life is hard. One day I hug you goodbye and you're so little. Then I see you on the computer and you're almost doubled in size. I wish I was there to watch you get bigger. _

_If you're reading this, it means I'm gone. But don't worry. I'm happy now, baby. I'm watching you grow._

_I love you._

_-Daddy_

"Where is he now?" Alex asked, looking around behind me. I did the same, knowing I wouldn't see anything, trying to think of what to tell her.

"I dunno, pumpkin," I said, turning back. I kissed her and stood, folding up the letter. I visualized James bending to kiss her temple and brush back her chestnut hair gingerly. A lump formed in my throat as I imagined her looking up at him with matching hazel eyes and him kissing her matching lips.

"I love you," she said, and I realized she was saying it to me.

"I love you, too," I said.

"Love you, Logie."

"Love you."

I looked back to find that Logan was leaning on the door frame, and I didn't even know it.

"Try to sleep, pumpkin. Sweet dreams," I said as Logan turned off the lights, the little rainbow nightlight glowing beside her bed.

He followed me out, and I thought nothing of it. I knew that he saw the pained expression on my face- my knitted brows and lowered eyes- and I didn't mind.

"You okay?" he asked softly, following me into the bedroom.

"I just miss him," I answered, pulling my shirt off over my head and tossing it to the ground. I knew Logan picked it up as soon as he passed it and put it in the hamper. "I mean… Alex was the light of his life. His EVERYTHING. She meant so much to him and now…"

I turned and sighed, looking down at my best friend.

"Now?" he urged.

"He's gone," I said weakly. "And these damn letters are only making it worse on me. She loves them… They mean a lot to her. Me, too. But they make me want to hear his voice and feel his warmth and just hug him. And I can't. Never again."

Logan gave me a sympathetic look and nodded.

"He didn't deserve what he got," he said quietly, dark eyes gentle on mine. "Even I know that. He was sweet and caring to at least you guys, and he shouldn't have been taken so early. I wish I could change it for you."

"Me, too."

He hugged me around the neck this time, his body pressed to mine, and just held me.

James always put so much emotion in even a little hug. He always squeezed you so tightly, although he didn't know it, and cuddled his face close to your hair. Carlos' hugs were brief but powerful. Logan… Logan didn't hug a lot. He didn't really touch people a lot in general. But when he did, they were quick hugs with a pat on the back.

Until now.

The amount of emotion he put into this hug almost knocked me off my feet. He held me so tightly, his body stretched to reach my neck and his chest pressed to mine. He felt so close to me, not only physically but emotionally. Like our hearts were hugging, too. That had never happened before in all our years.

"I love you," he said softly, and for a second my heart burned with that feeling I always got when James would say that.

But then I realized that he didn't mean it like that. He meant it like he always meant it- he loves me as a best friend and brother.

"Love you, too," I mumbled. His ribs seemed so thin in my arms because of their outstretched position. His scent wafted into my nose and made me feel like I was safe and comfy. Just as Logan's scent always does.

"It'll get better. I promise."

"I hope so."


	6. Trying To Heal

I knelt before the fresh grave marked "James Dylan Diamond", green grass already sprouting over the dirt. Alex got to her knees beside me in her cute little pink dress and put the bouquet of daisies we picked in front of the stone.

"Here, Daddy," she said sweetly, smoothing down the petals. "We picked them at the park."

I smiled a little, my throat catching at how unbelievably sweet she was. She sat on her butt now, and I hated that she was getting her dress dirty, and she hugged her knees as she looked at the stone. It was a simple one, with just his name and dates, and I wanted to get a pretty marble one with a quote. Unfortunately, he was buried in the soldier memorial graveyard, and all the stones there were the same.

"I miss you," she said, her eyes on his name. "Do you miss me?"

I squeezed my eyes shut and felt a tear fall down my cheek. When I opened them, Alex's little lower lip was quivering and her eyes were pooled with tears.

I pulled her into my lap and we stared at his grave stone.

"He's not doin' so good," Alex said suddenly, clumsily wiping tears from her olive skin with her palms.

"Who?" I asked.

"He doesn't like to play anymore," she went on, not even acknowledging me. "And sometimes he cries at dinner."

"Al? Who?" I repeated.

"All your stuff is in the closet," she sighed. "It makes him sad."

Then I realized. Alex was talking to James about me. I fell silent and listened as she told James about life nowadays- about how Carlos sometimes has a beard and doesn't come over as much, and how she has bad dreams sometimes, and how his letters for her were funny, and she liked them.

"But you already knowed that," she finished. "Cause you live with us now. Right?"

That simple sentence sent chills up my spine. "Cause you live with us now." What did she mean by that? Was she referring to the letters, when he said that he would always be there to kiss her goodnight? Or did she know something I didn't?

"I don't see you," she said, twisting her lips. "But I think you're there. I hope so."

My first instinct, of course, was to turn down the possibility that James' spirit was with us. That was ridiculous. But a part of me hoped he WAS there.

It would make sense.

The night of the funeral, I lay in bed sobbing into his hoodie and the radio alarm went off. In the kitchen, Logan told me that he never liked James, and the pot rack malfunctioned and sent a pot crashing down. When I asked Logan if he wanted to play guitar, the door slammed. When Logan actually played it, the wind chime broke.

My God… Do I have a jealous ghost in my house?

No. No- that's stupid. Ghosts don't exist. My house is just falling apart because I haven't been taking care of it. That's all.

"Hey, Al? Why don't you go up on that hill and see what it's like?" I suggested, pointing up ahead to a huge hill, which I knew she would like to climb "all by herself".

"Okay," she said happily, and I helped her up.

"Keep on the sidewalk," I said sternly, not wanting her to step on any graves or take any flowers or fall in any holes. We brushed off her dress and she bent to touch James' name.

"Love you, Daddy!" she said before running off. I watched her step onto the sidewalk and immediately get distracted by a bug or something on the pavement. James always loved her curiosity- they were both like that, and would discover things together. If he were here now, he would pick the bug up and she would squeal and tell him to put it down, but then he would help her conquer her fear and touch the bug. He was like that.

I turned and stared at the hand-picked flowers before the grey stone. It was Alex's idea- we were at the park and she found them and suggested we "bring them to Daddy."

"Hi, Jay," I said softly, moving to hug my knees. I waited, like he would say a soft "Hey, baby" back. Of course he didn't. "It's been hard without you. It was hard before- when you were off to base all the time- but now it's even harder. At least then we could talk on the phone and stuff, but now I'm lonely as all hell."

I paused, thinking. I was lonely in a sense that James had been my life-partner for years and years, and I could always call him about problems and talk to him when I needed to. Now it was like part of me was gone. But other than that, I had Logan and Carlos and Alex. They were always there for me when I needed them now. Especially Logan- he had barely left my side until recently.

"Carlos is destroyed. Even more than me. I get it, though- he's never known a world where he couldn't talk to you. He hasn't been around much and sometimes I call him because I'm so worried. Alex calls him a lot, too. She's so sweet- just like you," I said sentimentally. "I know she doesn't understand really what happened to you. All she knows is that you won't be coming home and that she misses you."

I closed my eyes, thinking about James sitting there in the dirt beside me, his arm around my shoulders, kissing my hair. He was a goofball mostly, but sometimes he was serine and understanding.

"I miss you, too. The pain is getting a little better, but I don't think it'll ever disappear. Logan's taking care of me- doing a good job, too. He takes care of Alex when I can't and he stays up late with me when I just don't want to be alone. I know you didn't like him, but he's sweet to me and the best friend I could ask for.

"I got the guitar you ordered for me. I really love it a lot- I wish you could hear how amazing it sounds. Alex loves it when I play- she looks at me like I'm Superman or something. The way she used to look at you. I think that was your plan- to make me start playing again and to make Alex happy. She's gonna be a musician- I can feel it. Maybe a singer."

James was a great singer. He took lessons as a kid and did theatre for a long time, but he didn't really sing much around other people. He sung to Alex sometimes, and he would sing around the house and with me, but other than that I don't think many people knew about his talent.

"I miss you like crazy," I sighed, my throat catching. "I miss talking to you on the phone and hugging you when you come home and snuggling with you and all those first-night-homes when we wouldn't sleep till 4 am. I miss everything. I know Alex does, too. I miss how cute you two were together- so much alike it hurts. I see you in her- her looks and personality."

I looked up at our daughter, who had veered off of the sidewalk and was talking to a gravestone, pointing down the hill and me. I thought that if that deceased soldier knew that she was there talking to him, it might make his day. Maybe he DID know.

Did James know I was here now?

Could he hear me?

"Okay- this is stupid. I'm talking to a gravestone," I laughed a little. But then I was hit with unbelievable panic. If he couldn't hear me now, he would never hear me. I could never talk to him again. And suddenly I was sobbing and Alex was coming back.

Soon my daughter was before me, hugging my shoulders as I sobbed.

"It's okay, Daddy," she said softly, petting my hair. I hugged her little body to me and looked at James' stone through my tears. I needed a long cry.

"Let's go get some ice cream, okay pumpkin?" I finally asked. She excitedly pulled away from the hug and nodded, making me grin. I puckered my lips and she kissed me before we got up.

"Bye, Daddy, love you!" she said to the gravestone before trying to pull me away. I lingered, opening my mouth to say that I love him, too. Then I shook my head, deciding it was pointless to tell a gravestone that you love it.

* * *

_Kendall woke up that morning with a bit of a headache, probably from the wine and champagne he drank last night. He felt a familiar arm over his side and a naked body pressed against his back._

_He smiled and rolled over, finding that his new husband was already awake._

_"Good morning, beautiful," Kendall murmured to James after a brief kiss. "How did you sleep?"_

_"Well, considering we went to sleep at about 4 AM, I think the few hours was really good," James smirked, brushing golden waves from Kendall's forehead gingerly. "How's your ass?"_

_"My ass?" Kendall laughed. "It's good. Sore. How's yours?"_

_"Same."_

_They stared at one another for a long time, taking in their morning stubble on their faces and their sleepy but clear eyes and their goofy smiles. Love was at its prime that morning in the big, soft, white honeymoon bed the night after their wedding._

_Pieces of tuxedos were strewn across the whole suite, starting at the door with jackets and ending with a pair of boxers tossed beside the bed, another God-knows-where. They really didn't even know what the bathroom, kitchen, or living room looked like._

_The morning sun streamed in from the balcony door behind James, making a halo of mountain light around his messy head._

_"Do you ever just get the feeling that everything's… TOO perfect?" James asked, his angelic face screwed up with a bit of concern. _

_Actually, Kendall thought about that a lot. He knew that life couldn't be peaches and crème all the time- there has to be some bad with the good. _

_"I think we just got over a rough patch," Kendall reasoned._

_"What? Getting MARRIED? What are you trying to say?"_

_"No," Kendall laughed. "I'm talking about the months and months of bickering and being stressed out over planning and worrying about money. The wedding was the beginning of the sunshine."_

_James smiled a little, liking the thought of that._

_"Good. Because planning wasn't that bad. I liked it. I'll take it for a rough patch," he smiled._

_"Me too."_

_James smiled and moved closer to his new husband, running his hand over Kendall's prickly cheek._

_"Now time for babies," he whispered deviously. Kendall laughed and rolled his eyes. "What? I thought you wanted babies, too."_

_"We just got MARRIED, honey," Kendall laughed. "Let's enjoy this first."_

_"But I can't wait," James beamed. "Let's start as soon as we get home."_

_"I don't think we have to money anymore," Kendall said truthfully. "We need to save up for a surrogate- they're expensive."_

_"We could have Katie do it."_

_"James! No way!" Kendall hissed, making James grin._

_"I want a little baby girl," he said quietly, his face inches from Kendall's. "Yours or mine, either way she'll be gorgeous. I'll put her in cute little dresses and paint her nails and fix her hair."_

_"You'll be an adorable daddy," Kendall smiled._

_"Do you want a boy or girl?"_

_"It doesn't matter to me," Kendall said thoughtfully. "But I think I'd prefer a boy."_

_"I could see you teaching our son to play hockey out in the street," James said dreamily._

_Kendall grinned and snuggled into his new husband. He loved how James got him excited about having a baby in just a few minutes, and now he couldn't wait to start their family._

_"I love you," he murmured._

_"I love you more," James sang._

_"I don't think you can."_

_"You really know how to melt me, don't you, Mr. Diamond?" James smiled._

_"I do."_

* * *

I stared at the golden ring around my finger, glinting in the setting sun as I pushed Alex on the swingset in the backyard. I thought about our wedding, our honeymoon, and coming home to begin our lives together. That was such a happy time.

From before we were married all the way to Alex's birth, he was so excited to have a baby. He was a great father just as I knew he was, and even around the time of his death he had brought up getting started on another child from my DNA this time. I was excited about it too. This time, we would have more money and a stable household for the new baby. Actually, we were going to start looking for a surrogate when he next came home.

It looked like that new baby would never come, though. Of course I could still pursue it, but it wouldn't be the same without James. I would need a partner to help me raise him or her, and that wasn't happening any time soon.

For the first time, I realized that Alex was singing as she soared through the air on the swing. It was a song from the radio that she only knew a few words from, but it sent my heart melting. She was starting to be happy again. I wish I could say the same.

Her loose chestnut curls blew in the warm air as she sang.

"Daddy let me go!" she called. "I can do it!"

That simple phrase sent panic through my heart. She had never suggested I not help her before. She had never wanted to do something independently. She was growing up too fast, and soon she would leave me, too.

"Let go!" she called again, and I backed away and let her swing on her own.

_"Don't panic," _I knew James would be saying to me with a kiss to my cheek. _"It's just one thing. She's still a baby- she still needs you for everything else."_

I knew that after he said that, James would tell Alex how good she was doing, and how proud he was of her. He was that kind of dad- of course it broke his heart to see her growing up, but he was always supportive.

"Look at me!" Alex said excitedly, swinging on her own.

"You're doing so good, pumpkin," I said with forced enthusiasm.

* * *

I'm not sure why I called Logan to come over. I was trying to wean myself off of his support, and I hadn't seen him for a few days. I think I just missed him.

Alex was already in bed and we were cleaning up the kitchen from where I made Alex and I dinner.

"Is it wrong that I still wear my wedding ring?" I asked, watching Logan scrub dishes with meticulous hands. He looked up at me like he was about to say yes, stopped, and shrugged.

"It's only been a little over a month," he said. "If it doesn't feel right to take it off, don't."

"But I'm not married anymore."

"I guess that you can wear it until you move on," he said, turning back to the dishes. "If you do."

It only seemed right to wear mine forever- James would. He was buried with his wedding ring on.

"Do you think you will?" Logan asked, his dark eyes turning to me. "Move on?"

I was silent for a second, thinking.

"I dunno," I admitted. "I'd like to say I won't… But I'll eventually get lonely."

"I know you, and I know that you can do this alone. It's just a matter of whether you want to or not," Logan said, drying his hands. "You're used to having someone to love."

My eyes dropped to my wedding ring again, and I found that my vision was blurred with tears.

"He didn't deserve this," I said quietly.

"I know."

"Why is it always the good people?"

"That's just how the world is."

My vision cleared as my tears fell and I found that Logan was just staring at me.

"I hate to use you as my crutch," I said, my voice shaking. "But otherwise I'm alone."

"You've been my crutch plenty," he said, rubbing my arm. "It's my job to be yours for as long as you need me."

"You have a life," I sniffled. "You can't be here all the time trying to comfort me."

"It's okay. I like being with you."

I smiled a little and nodded, wiping my eyes.

"Are you okay?" he asked softly, his dark eyes up on my with such gentleness I couldn't stand it.

"Yeah."

He smiled a little and reached up to wipe moisture from my cheeks with his thumbs. I missed just simple human contact like this. Of course I spent most of my day hugging and kissing and cuddling Alex, but that was different.

Did I call Logan here because I missed male attention?

He hugged me around my neck, giving me a quick peck on my cheek before clutching me. It wasn't anything weird- I knew he did that with his mother and with Alex sometimes and other random people when he hugged them, and it meant nothing but to comfort me. I hadn't been kissed by a man in months and months, and it felt nice.

"Sorry, that was weird," he laughed a little, trying to lighten the mood.

"It's okay," I said, clutching his small frame to me. "I didn't think so."

He let go of me and looked at me, face a few inches from mine and his arms still loose around my neck.

"You won't have to raise her alone. You'll always have me," he said softly, his pretty brown eyes serious on my green ones. His breath was warm against my face, and I liked the closeness. "I won't leave you."

"Thanks, Loge," I said with a little smile.

Logan smiled and got to his toes to kiss my forehead, like a mother or something. Suddenly he jerked away, looking at me accusingly.

"What the hell?" he hissed, his hand pressed to his lower back.

"What?"

"You scratched me!"

"Did not."

I followed Logan to the bathroom, where he pulled his shirt up and looked at his back in the mirror. There were four red lines across his skin, and he looked at me angrily through the mirror.

"If it wasn't you, I guess it can only be a GHOST," he said, not REALLY mad, but just agitated, thinking I was lying. "That hurt, Kendall! Jeez!"

"Logan, I don't even have fingernails," I hissed, holding up my hand, sporting nails clipped to the bit. "How could I have done that?"

"You're an ass," he sighed, letting his shirt fall. "You're just screwing with me."

I said nothing, knowing that even if I thought it really was a ghost, Logan would never buy that. He was a realist, and if it wasn't scientifically possible, it didn't happen.

He elbowed me playfully as he exited the bathroom, but I was freaking out a little.

At least I knew that I really didn't do that to him.

* * *

**I just wanted to put a quick thanks in here for everyone who is reading! You rock! Thank you!**


	7. Admitting The Truth

_My Love,_

_I'm dead._

_I just hope that if I went while I'm serving, it's in an honorable way. I've made a lot of good friends here and I hope they don't see it happen. I've seen a complete stranger die here and I cried. I can only imagine watching a friend go._

_But what scares me the most about the thought of dying is leaving you and Alex alone. I mean, yeah, I hate to leave my mom and family and Carlos, but when I think of people mourning over me, I think of you and Al._

_I hate to leave her while she's still growing. I think she's about old enough to start remembering, and I hope to God she remembers me. I hope to God YOU remember me._

_That sounds stupid- I know you'll remember me. But I mean I hope you remember what my voice sounds like, and what I look like and how it feels in my arms. I'm gonna be honest, I've only been away from you for a few weeks now and already you're starting to fade. That's just me, though- I'm already a little dull in the skull, plus I have a billion other things I have to be thinking about. I just hope that you'll remember me better than I can remember you between webchats. _

_It scares me, thinking about you with another man._

_If you DO move on, I would like to think it would be with a woman._

_Then I would be special- the man who stole your heart and "turned you gay" for a few years. Plus I think a feminine figure would be good for Al. She has our moms and Katie, but they aren't frequent. Maybe we should change that by the time Al hits puberty… What will we do when she has her first period or gets her heart broken?_

_Of course as I write this I'm assuming I'll make it out of here to see. Obviously I didn't, though._

_It's selfish to say that I don't want you to move on, but I really don't. You're MY baby. The father of MY child. The love of MY life. The problem is, I'm not alive anymore._

_If you DO move on, I hope he's great and treats you right. _

_Just don't let Alex call him Daddy. Please. I don't know how old she is when you read this, but I don't think she's young enough to get a new daddy._

_I can foresee something happening between you and Logan… Just because you're best friends and he's really gonna be there for you around his time. Just know that the thought of that absolutely KILLS me. It makes my guts hurt and makes me wanna puke and sob myself to sleep._

_Sorry. I know that sounds shitty, but I've never liked Logan and he's never liked me. If it were anyone else, it wouldn't be so bad… But I don't like the thought of Logan holding you and kissing you and fucking you and whispering sweet things to you._

_Gosh, I don't even want to think about it anymore._

_I don't know what's beyond dying. Maybe I'll go to heaven, maybe heaven doesn't exist, maybe I'll be a ghost (cheesy, I know, that's stupid) and maybe I'll just be gone._

_But the bottom line is, I'm dead. All I want in life is for you to be happy, and for Alex to be in good hands. _

_I love you so much. Like, a lot. It hurts to think about it._

_-James_

* * *

Logan and I were going out that day because he insisted I needed a day off. Carlos and Alex were in the back seat, Carlos clean-shaven and showered for once.

I had been job-hunting for the past week and had stayed in all day. Before that, I was stressed out about James' death and needed to stay in.

I had to admit, it felt good to be out and about, especially at the zoo- one of my favorite places.

It was really warm out, and Logan and I lingered behind Carlos holding Alex's hand. He liked times like this- everyone thought that she was his daughter. They asked how old she was and said things like "your little girl is adorable!" although genetically it wouldn't be possible with his traits versus hers.

I was a little shaky as I watched Carlos and Alex start to disappear in the small crowd at the zoo. Logan assured me that Carlos would be fine with her- he always keeps a sharp eye on Alex.

Finally we were leaning on the little gate before the zebra exhibit, my daughter and Carlos gone.

"I love it here," I said, both of us watching the zebras eat and poop in their dusty outdoor exhibit.

"Yeah? It kinda makes me sad," Logan said, looking over at me. "All these animals in their cages."

"Most of them don't know anything else. Besides- if they were released, they wouldn't know how to survive in the wild," I reasoned.

"I know… But they all seem so sad."

I nodded understandingly and Logan smiled a little and looked back to the animals.

"I read a few of James' letters for me," he said, looking back to me, catching my eyes.

"And?"

"They were just kinda bullshit… He told me why he didn't like me and said that he would like to just get past things eventually… That'll never happen," he explained. "And he kept telling me to stay away from you."

I thought back to the letter I had just read, and about how much it hurt James to think about Logan and I together when he was alive.

"And why did he hate you?" I questioned.

"He claims he never HATED me," he laughed a little. "But it's because he felt threatened. I mean the great, powerful JAMES was threatened by little old me. I mean, I was straight!"

I didn't miss the "WAS straight", either.

"He was always paranoid," I giggled.

"And he said that he didn't like how dry I was, and how I always seemed bored."

"Understandable."

Logan shot me a look and I nudged him jokingly.

"James didn't really hate anyone," I assured. "He just disliked them, and even then he didn't like that. He really tried to get along with you, and I know you tried, too… It just wasn't meant to be."

"I guess not."

We moved on to the elephant exhibit , where we again leaned our elbows on the bars.

"You stopped dating," I noted, catching Logan's eyes linger on a girl nearby before flicking back to me.

"I need to take care of you," he shrugged. "A break was overdue anyway. Dating's stressful- I don't think I'll ever find the right girl. Maybe the only girl I need is Alex."

"No way! Logan, you can never stop looking. Love… Love is what makes life worth living."

"You stopped looking."

"Well… I just lost my husband. That's different."

"Will you start looking again?"

Again, I thought of James' letter. He said that he didn't want me to move on, but ultimately he wanted me to be happy. And lately I WAS really lonely, both sexually and in general.

"I dunno," I said thoughtfully. "I think it's too early to really consider."

"Do you think there's such thing as multiple soul mates? I mean, you obviously believe that James was your soul mate. Do you think there are others?"

"These are some weird questions, Loge," I laughed good-naturedly.

"Just making conversation," he shrugged.

"I don't know. Maybe," I said. "Maybe there are lots of soul mates for each person because the odds of them finding one another are so slim. What about you?"

"I don't believe in soul mates," he said dryly. "I think personalities are compatible, and sexual attraction is possible and everything, but the idea of soul mates… That's dumb."

"I shoulda saw that coming," I laughed. Logan, again, was a realist. You couldn't get him to believe in Bigfoot even if he saw him himself.

"And I know that scientifically, men should be attracted to women because of reproductive instinct-"

"Don't stand there and tell me that gay isn't real," I said defensively.

"ALTHOUGH it's scientifically improbable," Logan persisted. "I think that being gay is completely scientifically possible, too. We're a strange species, Kendall, and I don't get it, but I think that sometimes when one gender fails, a person should try the other."

My brows knitted, seeing a shadow of Logan hinting at something, and he just stared at the elephants.

"Are you coming out to me?" I asked. Logan's face screwed up in confusion and turned to me. "No? Okay. Wow- awkward."

"I know I'm just a bitter, dry old man in a young person's body, but I really do want someone to be with. And I know you're going to blow this out of proportion, but maybe the female gender is failing me."

"Oh my God," I almost squeaked happily. "Logie, are you trying Team Hotdog?"

"Kendall!"

"I'm so excited!" I grinned happily. Hey- it's always fun to have a gay friend.

"I'm not saying that," he hissed, making me silent. "I'm just saying that I'm sick of being alone, and if I somehow became attracted to a man… I'd be okay with pursuing him."

"Good. I think you should," I smiled. "You'll never know if he likes you back unless you ask."

He looked up at me, unspoken words of some sort in his eyes and a smirk on his face.

"Oh, I hope you fall in love soon," I melted. "I hope you get LAID soon."

"Kendall!"

"I'm just saying. I know how lonely I am, I can only imagine YOU."

"I'm fine. I don't need sex," he smirked, shaking his head.

"I do. I'm kinda going crazy here."

"What's it like?" he asked. "To be in love?"

"Hm… That's a hard question," I said thoughtfully. I thought for a while about what to tell him before answering. "It's like… Insane. All you wanna do is hug and kiss them for a long time- they have no flaws, they're just perfect. Then you start to actually love them, and you realize their flaws but you love them too much to leave them for it. Then you get comfortable, and that's the best part. When you can change in front of them or when you can tell them the truth about hating their cologne or when you can just lean on them when you need to and they'll hold you."

Logan watched me with the mesmerized eyes of a kid hearing a campfire story.

"But then… They leave you," I said, brows knitting, eyes on the animals. "And suddenly half of you is gone and there's a constant lump in your throat. It's weird to be without them, when you're so used to leaning on them. And then everything's different. You have to learn to do things alone. And it's hard as all hell."

"This speech went downhill quick," Logan laughed a little, turning away from me to the animals.

"Don't get me wrong. Love is amazing. And if you're lucky enough to find the one, you won't have to go through the pain. But what're the chances of that?" I asked. "Part of me doesn't want you to even risk it, Logie. But the bigger part of me wants to push you into the arms of some big buff guy or a cute blonde girl and watch you go googly eyes."

It was silent for a second before I looked over at him.

"What kind of guy did you have in mind?" I asked curiously.

"I dunno, Kendall."

"Well someone had to have attracted you for you to consider batting for the other team," I said smartly. "Who was it? Was he tall, dark, and handsome? Or was he little and cute?"

Logan smirked and little and looked up at me.

"I've always had this weird feeling about you, Kendall."

"What kind?" I questioned like some dumbass or something.

"I think James saw it somehow. There's always been this little… Warmth in my chest when I think about you," he said softly, and I knew it was hard for him to say this. "I don't think I'm GAY. I think it's just you."

I was silent, slightly flattered but kind of not knowing what to say. Of course I was attracted to Logan physically- who wouldn't be? And he absolutely understood me and was my best friend. But I just lost my husband, and I didn't know if I could even think about moving on yet.

"I don't know what to say," I admitted.

"You don't have to say anything. I just thought you should know."

I nodded and he turned around in time for Alex to come running up.

"Daddy!" she said excitedly, making me turn. She was holding up a stuffed cheetah happily. "Lookie what I got!"

"Alex, where's Los?" I asked, looking around in the crowd. I laughed a little when I saw Carlos hurrying along, eyes sweeping the lower ground for the runaway girl. Logan waved him over and he let out a breath of relief.

* * *

I don't know what came over me that night, but I sung in the shower.

I mean, real singing. I sung with my heart and soul, and it felt great.

When I came out, I dried myself and wrapped the towel around my waist. I rose my hand to wipe fog from the mirror, but stopped in my tracks.

There in the corner of the mirror was a little heart drawn through the fog.

It sent a lump in my throat as my hand retracted.

Only James did that. He used to come in in the mornings when I was showering so he could shave, and we would talk, and before he left he was draw a little heart for me.

"Logan?" I called. I exited the bathroom, a towel around my waist, and found Logan in the living room with Alex. Logan looked up at me tentatively.

"Did you go in the bathroom while I was showering?" I asked.

"No," Logan said brows knitted. "We were in here the whole time."

"Are you kidding?"

"When do I kid?" Logan questioned. "What happened?"

"Nothing," I said, shaking my head.

"Something."

"There was just… A heart drawn on the mirror," I said slowly. "But I guess it was from last time James did it and I never noticed."

"You have to stop with this superstitious stuff," Logan laughed a little. "He isn't here."

"Yeah," I said absently.

I returned to the bathroom to dry off, but I found myself just staring at the heart.

"James," I found myself whispering. "Jay? Are you here?"

Of course nobody answered, and I was let down a little, but I kept going.

"I miss you. And I love you," I said, my voice almost breaking. "If you're here, I know you're trying to tell me the same thing."

* * *

"How long does it take to get over a heartbreak?" Logan asked me as he stirred the spaghetti sauce on the stove, me tossing salad beside him. My mom and Katie were coming over for dinner soon, and I was excited, considering I hadn't seen them since the funeral.

"They say it takes as long as you were with the person, but that's bullshit," I answered.

"How are you feeling now?"

"The pain is getting less… I think it would have been even worse if he hadn't been gone for so long before. It's like I had a head start on my grieving process, you know? I was already missing him like crazy when he passed," I answered.

Logan nodded, silent.

"I didn't mean to make things weird," he finally said.

"Things aren't weird."

"You don't think so?"

"No way."

"Good," he nodded. "I didn't want you to feel awkward about what I told you at the zoo."

"It's not awkward. We're best friends- you can tell me anything."

Logan looked up and smiled a little at me for the first time as the front door opened and Alex went wild to see Mom and Katie before they could come in the kitchen.


	8. My Image of Him

_Kendall tapped his foot anxiously staring at the opening of the gate which would soon deposit a bunch of men in camouflage, including his husband. Carlos was practically whimpering beside him, Alex bouncing on her heals, excited to see her daddy for Christmas, not knowing that it would be the last time ever._

_As it always did, things got exciting as men poured out of the gate, people applauding for them. Some of them smiled and waved, some kept a laser gaze straight ahead, no change in facial expression. Christmas songs sang over the intercom system of the airport, but many of the men were unfazed._

_"__Daddy!" Alex yelled shrilly, and Kendall couldn't stop her before she surged forward to the one face that they were all looking for, but she spotted first. _

_James dropped to his knees in the middle of the flow of men and Alex slammed into him in a hug. James tried his best not to crush her, but he missed her so much._

_He buried his face in her chestnut curls, inhaling her scent that sent a lump in his throat. He hugged her until the stream of soldiers had passed, and he finally pulled back to kiss her. He carried her over to Kendall and Carlos and put her down as Carlos slammed into him in a hug._

_Kendall was getting impatient, but he knew that James was saving him for last._

_Finally James pealed himself away from Carlos and turned to Kendall._

_"__Hey, beautiful. Merry Christmas," James said softly, gently sliding his arms around Kendall. It was a gentle gesture, but it sent Kendall sobbing and clinging to James with such desperate need that he felt stupid. James had been in the army for years, and he would never get used to the happiness he felt at these reunions._

_"__Don't cry," James laughed pitifully. "I'm here, baby."_

_Kendall's fingers curled into the back of James' rough camo jacket, shaking a little._

_"__I missed you," he managed._

_"__I missed you too," James murmured._

* * *

I was sitting alone at home after a long day at work. I was earning some extra cash at the local sports store, but not much, and Alex was spending the day and night at Carlos'.

I was tired, but not tired enough to go to bed. It was only 9 o'clock and I was sitting at the couch with a McDonald's bag sitting empty on the floor and the news playing on the TV.

"And in tragic news today, an Afghani landmine took the lives of seven soldiers today-"

I immediately switched the channel. Before James joined the army, those types of stories didn't really affect me. While he was in the army, those stories scared me and made me worried that my husband was involved. But now they broke my heart because I knew how those families would be feeling within the next week when they find out that their soldier had passed.

I imagined James sitting beside me, cuddled up to my side with his head on my shoulder and a beer in his hand. He always loved to just sit and watch TV with me, because he knew that we would always cuddle when we did.

Except we wouldn't be watching the news. He hated the news. We would be watching something else, something happier and more entertaining.

I sighed, missing physical contact, missing emotional contact, missing sexual contact. I got up and threw my empty fast food bag away before going to the bedroom to strip down and change into a t-shirt and boxers.

I heard the front door open and wondered who was here. James and I always had an open-door policy which was still in effect today.

"Kendall?" I heard Logan call and he found me in my room. "Hey."

"What's up?" I asked, confused.

"Where's Al?"

"At Carlos' for the night. Is something wrong?" I asked, getting up from the bed.

"I have to tell you something," Logan said. "And you could think it's nothing or you could break down in sobs."

"I don't like where this is going," I said warily. Logan went and sat on the bed and I sat beside him.

"James told me in a letter that I need to tell you something for him," he said, unfolding a piece of paper with James' handwriting on it.

I thought that was weird- James and I didn't have secrets. What was so bad that he couldn't tell me himself, even in a letter? Why did he want Logan to tell me?

"James and I have had a secret since before you two were married. It's part of the reason I didn't like him. And now he wants me to tell you," he said softly. "I thought for sure he would have told you by now…"

"What?"

Logan took a deep breath and looked up at me.

"You and James had been together for like eight months. You were hopelessly in love with him, and I was sure he felt the same about you. It was when I worked at the movies. He showed up, not seeing me working there, with some other guy."

Logan paused and looked at me. Funny, he worded that like James was WITH another guy. Like on a date or something.

"He was holding the guy's hand, and they were acting like they had known each other for years. I wasn't supposed to say anything to him, since I was working, but I pulled him aside before he went into the theater and asked who the guy was. He begged me not to tell you, and he told me that he was going to break up with the guy at the end of the night. I was beyond pissed off that he had another boyfriend, considering how head-over-heels for him you were, but I told him that he had to tell you or I would. He told me he would tell you first thing in the morning. And he never did."

I was silent, staring at Logan with my brows bunched.

"James says in the letter that he really did break up with the guy that night after four months of being together," Logan said. "But that's no excuse. He cheated."

"That doesn't make sense," I said defensively. "We were in love. Even before he dated that other guy. I know it."

"I'm not lying, Kendall. I wish I was," Logan said softly, showing me a bit of the letter, which I saw a quick "the guy wasn't worth it" and "I broke it off ASAP".

So it was true.

James cheated on me while we were dating.

How do I know he didn't do that more throughout our relationship? I thought that we were absolutely in love around our 4 month mark, and he still cheated. He might have done it a few more times.

Logan's hand came up and rubbed my back.

"If it helps, he wanted me to tell you that it never happened again," he said softly. "And he feels horrible about it. FELT horrible."

I wanted to break down in sobs, honestly. It's not easy being cheated on. Not easy being so loyal to someone and you not being enough for him.

"Did they fuck?" I finally asked. Logan shook his head no, and I was relieved.

"Then that's not so bad," I said. "I can deal with that- it was a long time ago and it never happened again."

"Are you kidding me?" he asked a little too angrily, getting my attention. "I'm sorry, Kendall, but that's shitty. That's… Scummy. That's just disgusting."

"Well it's not IDEAL," I reasoned. "But it could have been worse."

"It shouldn't have happened at all."

"I agree, Logan, but what am I supposed to do? He's dead. I can't lecture him about it."

"Be mad!"

"Why? Why should I be mad?" I asked. "It never affected me."

"Dammit!" Logan growled.

"What dammit?"

"James can just never do anything wrong, can he?" he said angrily. "Even when he's six feet under he's just Mr. Perfect."

"That's really insensitive of you."

"It's been almost three months. When does it stop being insensitive?"

"Never. Now what're you really mad about here?" I asked.

"How will anyone ever be able to live up to James in your mind?" Logan asked angrily. "Even when he was alive you always made excuses for him. He could never do anything wrong and I hate it."

"So what? I loved him!"

"Even when you two were fighting you never fought back. You would just sit there and listen to him yell at you."

"Logan, what's your point?"

"My point is that I thought that this would be what made you realize how horrible he was," Logan hissed.

"How can you say that?" I raged. "Because you're JEALOUS? Get over it, Logan! He got me first!"

"No he didn't," Logan growled. "I did. I got you first and he took you."

I sprang to my feet and started thundering away.

"I don't want to talk about this," I said.

"Kendall!" Logan pleaded.

"He wasn't horrible! He was a great husband and a fantastic father and maybe you're horrible for saying that. He would never call you something so bad."

I don't think I would defend the whole "horrible" thing so hard if I didn't have a little theory that James was still here somehow. If I didn't somehow think that James was listening, I might have let it alone.

"Okay, I'm sorry! I didn't mean that," Logan sighed, getting up. "All I'm trying to say is that how will you ever find love again if you still think James is still so almighty? Nobody will ever be able to live up to him."

"What if I don't want to find love again?"

"You will. You won't do this alone- I know you."

"Apparently you don't."

"How could you say that? I know you like the back of my hand," Logan persisted. "I know what you like in a man and what you don't like and even your guilty pleasures in bed."

I hesitated, realizing he was right. I had been confiding in him since high school. About everything. Logan knew me better than my own mother, better than even James knew me.

"I just worry about how you're remembering James," he said softly. "You're not remembering the arguments, the moments of selfishness, the missed dinners, the holes punched in the walls, the refusals to clean up after a meal."

"So what? I remember the good about him," I defended.

"But you're not remembering him as a whole, so are you remembering him at all?"

I was silent.

I DO only think about the happy times. The times that make my heart soar. The times like he and I taking Alex to the cherry blossom tree or the first time we said we love each other and the happy airport reunions.

There was a whole other side of James that I never brought up in my head. The part that cheated on me when I was absolutely in love with him, ready to marry him on the spot. The part that sometimes put himself before me. The part that got upset when I told him to do the dishes. The part that missed the dinner that he was to show up to, the one where we were going to tell my mom and Katie that we were engaged.

Logan stared at me as I dropped my eyes. He knew he was right.

"I'd never do that stuff," he said softly. "I'd… I'd treat you like a king."

I didn't know what to say to that, so instead I turned and slowly exited the room.

* * *

I sat and watched more TV, cooled off now. I knew Logan didn't leave, which made me wonder where he went or what he was doing.

I was watching some show- I don't know what- but there was a sex scene in it. Even though it was between a man and a woman, it still made me long for my own sexual contact- even just a kiss or an ass-grab. Anything.

I was thinking about how James felt.

When I would be sitting on the bed listening to him tell me a story and he would straddle my lap. I would rub my hands up and down his thighs as he talked, his arms loose around my neck.

Then he would say something like "But I'm tired of talking" before gently taking my head in his big hands and tilting it up to kiss him.

His kisses really were the best. I've kissed an average amount of people in my life, but definitely James was the best kisser of all of them. Maybe it was because the first kiss he ever gave me made me fall in love with him.

Then he would pull my shirt off over my head and kiss my neck down to my chest, making me subconsciously fall back against the bed.

Sometimes I would try to kiss him back, but then he would whisper something like "Shhh, I'm taking care of you tonight."

"What're you thinking about?" Logan's voice cut through my thoughts, making me jump and turn deep red. He looked down at me and laughed a little, looking up at the TV and seeing that the sex scene was over- thank God.

"Nothing," I grumbled, and of course he let it go as usual.

Logan sat on the arm of the couch beside me.

"Are you mad?" he asked, pulling his foot below him.

"No."

"Good, cause you're hair has been messed up since I got here and it's been-"

"Driving you nuts," I laughed a little. Logan smirked and reached down to run his long fingers through my hair, which somehow struck a nerve in me and made me want to purr like a kitten or something.

"There," he finished.

"Better?"

"Nope. It'll do, though," he said. "What're you watching?"

"I dunno."

"Is something wrong?" he asked, getting up to sit on the other side of the couch.

"No."

"You just seem… Distant."

"Like how?"

"Well you're giving minimal answers and you're not even looking at me," he said. "Is it what I said? About treating you like a king? Cause that was a little over the line."

"No. I thought that was sweet," I said. "I'm just watching the movie is all."

"Are you sure you're not mad?"

"I swear."

I lay myself on my side, feeling my hair barely brush Logan's leg. I was tired- I needed to go to bed soon. Really soon. I had work in the morning.

Logan picked up my head and moved, and when he let my head back down it was cushioned by his thigh. His fingers combed through my hair, smoothing it down like I was a cat or something.

"Are you upset?" he asked.

"I'm just watching," I assured honestly.

He kept petting my hair, which he knew I loved. Then his hand trailed down to my jaw and traced it with a single finger before going back to my hair.

I felt horrible that his affection was making me feel REALLY good. I was a single father who was used to giving my love to my daughter, and I hadn't really been romantically touched in a long time. Even such a small gesture was enough for me.

I hummed in content and Logan's hand trailed down my neck to my bicep, where his finger caressed little circles there.

I missed snuggling. Like real snuggling. With arms around one another and soft whispering and sharing warmth. I snuggled with Alex all the time, but it was different with a man you were attracted to.

Not that I'm attracted to Logan.

Did I just imply that?

I guess I'm learning more all the time.


	9. Overload

"Kendall?" I heard Carlos' voice on the other end of the phone. "I'm really sorry, but Alex is sick. She has a fever and she looks like death… And I have to go to work."

"Are you kidding me?" I found myself groaning from the break room of the sports store. "Carlos, I can't just leave."

"I called your mom first," he pleaded. "And she said that she's out of town with Katie, seeing your grandma. I called Logan. Logan's working."

I sat at the table, rubbing my eyes with a hand. Why didn't he tell me that he had to work today? It would have been convenient to know so that I could work something out.

"I don't know what to tell you, Los," I finally said. "I can't leave. I'm the only cashier here. Can't you call in sick?"

"I'm gonna be honest here, buddy… If I miss another day of work, they're gonna fire me."

I started thinking of people who could go get Alex and take care of her, but realized that there were no other options. My dad's parents would love to take her, but they're really old and I don't think it's a good idea.

"Okay. I'll figure something out and call you," I said.

My shift was about to start- I only had five minutes. It was a slow day and a lot of the workers already went home, and right now I was the only cashier. I really couldn't leave, even for a sick baby.

I called Logan. I hated to pull him from work, especially since I knew today he was interning, which was his favorite. He worked, but also took classes and interned some days at the hospital and I knew it made him really happy to be there.

"Kendall, I'm really busy," Logan answered.

"Logan… Logie. I need a big favor."

Logan sighed on the other end, and I could tell he was in a rush.

"Alex is sick at Carlos'," I said. "And he has to work. I can't go get her- I'm stuck here. Mom and Katie are out of town. I know you're at the hospital… But you're my only option."

Logan was silent for a long time, and I knew he was stressing out about this.

"If nothing else, could you just pick her up and bring her here?" I pleaded.

"Okay… It's a slow day here and I'm not seeing anything interesting anyway," Logan finally said. "I'll just take her home with me."

"Thank you Logan. You're a lifesaver," I breathed in relief. "And I love you!"

"Yeah, yeah," he grumbled, though I knew he loved hearing that from me.

* * *

I twisted my key through the lock to Logan's apartment and opened the door.

Ear-piercing screams almost made me turn around and go home, but also alarmed the father side of me.

"ALEX?" I called, jerking my key out of the lock and closing the door. She kept screaming and crying and I practically ran, following the sound of my baby's cries. It sounded like she was crying from pain, and although that could mean that she stubbed her toe, it could ALSO mean that a maniac was stabbing her to death, right?

I arrived at Logan's bedroom, which was dark and steamy inside.

"Alex?" I demanded, hurrying inside.

I found Logan pacing the room, Alex wrapped in a blanket in his arms, bouncing her as she screamed. She wasn't screaming just to be annoying or to deafen Logan, this was real. Tears streaked her little face, her arms around Logan's neck.

"Shh, baby, it's okay," Logan soothed. "I promise you'll feel better if you stop yelling."

Alex spotted me and she let out a sob, reaching for me. Logan followed her gaze to me and gave me a relieved smile as I took my daughter from him.

"Jeez, pumpkin, you made me think you were being murdered in here," I half-scolded as she hugged my neck. Even her arms almost singed me they were so hot.

"She's feeling awful, Kendall," Logan said, sitting on his bed. "A temperature of 104."

"That's not good."

"Not good at all. If we can't get it down soon, she needs to go to the hospital."

That scared me. It scares any parent to hear those words. The hospital meant that your baby needed something bigger than you. That they were so bad off that they needed professional help.

"No!" Alex squeaked, holding me tighter.

"Don't worry, pumpkin," I assured. "Logie's practically a doctor. He knows how to take care of you."

Logan twisted his lips and shrugged, and I could tell he had probably done everything in the book.

"How was Los'?" I asked Alex, going to the bed and sitting down. I lay her in the center of the bed and pulled the cover from around her, then the bedcovers over her. I lay beside her on my side, my head propped up on an elbow. I was still in my work clothes and exhausted, but that didn't matter.

"It was fun. We watched Frozen and eated 'pasketti," Alex said, wiping her moist lashes, the ones that match James' in length and volume, of tears. "Then we snuggled in the bed and sleeped."

"So it was fun?" I smiled as I watched Logan go to his drawer. He was still in his own work clothes- a polo shirt and khaki pants- and he pulled out pajama clothes to change into. I averted my eyes as he pulled his belt off and let his pants drop. I had seen him buck naked before, but things were different now.

"Yeah. Then I waked up sick and Los was scared cause he didn't knowed what to do."

I nodded, stroking her slightly sweaty chestnut curls.

When she used to get sick when James was home, he loved to take care of her. It sounds twisted, but it was probably one of his favorite parts of being a parent. He loved to give her medicine and feel her forehead and hold her while he paced, trying to soothe her.

I noticed that this wasn't at all the setup that she was used to when she was sick. Logan was great at the technical stuff- medicine dosages and bringing temperatures down- but this needed to be more comfortable.

"Let's turn on the TV for you," I said, getting up. "And I'll find something cold to eat."

"I don't know if I have anything," Logan confessed. "There might be some ice cream."

"Perfect. Put on Nickelodeon, will you?" I asked, starting to leave the room. "And turn off that steamer- it's like a sauna in here."

* * *

"You like playing Daddy, don't you?" I asked Logan softly. We were all lying in his bed, Alex between us, cuddled up to my chest sleeping. One of the things about being the dad is that you don't really care if you catch what your kid has, as long as you're there for them when they need you.

"I do," Logan smiled, turning to mimic my position with my head supported on my hand, which was stilted on my elbow.

"It's okay. I know Los does too," I smiled. "You'll both be great daddies someday."

Logan smiled a little and looked down to pull one of Alex's curls from her face.

"Thank you so much, Logan. I really do owe you," I said. "For leaving work- especially since it was the hospital- to get her."

"I didn't have a choice."

"You could have said 'fuck you' and left me to figure it out myself."

"Well she's my baby, too," Logan shrugged. "I'm getting more medical action here than I was there anyway."

"And thanks for letting her scream bloody murder in your ear," I laughed a little.

"Yeah- it was ringing for a while there," Logan giggled. "But it's part of the job."

"And for letting her germ up your place," I smirked. "I know it's driving you nuts. You should have taken her to my house."

"Kendall, it's fine. Alex is like my baby."

"You're a great best friend."

"You make it easy."

I didn't know if he was flirting or suggesting I was a great friend, too, so I just smirked and rolled my eyes at him, making him giggle. Things were quiet for a while and I was thinking about going to sleep when he finally talked.

"Soon she'll wake up," he said after a second, looking at my daughter. "She'll be sweating and really hot and we'll have to put her in a cold bath."

"What does that mean?"

"It means her fever's breaking. But I think it'll be a while since it was so high."

I stopped for a second, closing my eyes and trying to sleep, and thought.

If I were to choose anyone to be the new father of my Alex, my new husband, it would be Logan. It would have to be. Alex absolutely loves him, so she's already comfortable with him and he's great with her. He's not afraid to be stern with her and tell her no. He's great at medicines and scrapes and falls. He can be tender and loving and cuddly. And as for his part as my husband, he's incredibly sexy, will earn a great income once he gets a doctor job, will handle finances and clean up, and I'm sure he's great sexually, too.

Through my cloudy unconsciousness, I could feel Alex turn and say something to Logan.

"I'm hot," she said to him. "Real hot."

"Okay, baby," Logan said softly. "Let's go get you in a cold bath, and you'll feel better."

I felt her be pulled from my grasp, then a few seconds later cold, smooth fingers brushed against my cheek, then pushed hair from my forehead. I shifted and the fingers disappeared and I heard footsteps leave the room.

* * *

I woke up at about dinnertime and went out to the living room to find Logan and Alex on the couch watching some cartoon.

Logan was sitting with his back against the arm of the couch, Alex snuggled up to his chest, both asleep.

I smirked and smoothed down Logan's hair a little- it was so soft and silky and dark.

"Her fever broke," Logan said sleepily before opening his eyes, startling me and making me jerk my hand away. "She's still feeling bad, though."

"Good. At least she's not still boiling hot," I said.

"You were petting me."

"What? Nuh-uh. Your hair was just messed up," I defended. Lied, but defended.

Logan smirked, staring at me, unconvinced.

"Well you petted ME, so we're even," I said quickly.

"Fair enough."

"So… What kind of food do you have here?" I asked, looking toward the kitchen. "I'll whip something up."

I knew I should take Alex home now and let Logan do whatever he needed- he had homework most of the time- but there was something keeping me here. Something unknown.

"I'll help," he said. I took Alex, who stayed asleep, back to sleep in Logan's bed.

When I came back, Logan was busy looking through his cabinets for something to cook.

"Maybe you should come home with us," I said, sitting on the sink. "You can't sleep in that bed till it's disinfected. We can pick up a pizza on the way."

Logan stared at me for a second and my brows furrowed.

"Yeah. Good idea," he said.

"But I have work tomorrow morning," I said.

"I have class at noon. I can take Alex wherever she needs to go."

"I think tomorrow she's going to James' mom's," I said, trying to remember. I knew that I had it written down somewhere- Brooke had called to reserve a day with Alex last week, and I think I told her it would be tomorrow. Alex didn't really like Brooke as much as Carlos or my mom or Logan, but I knew it was important for them to stay in touch. "She's gonna pick her up."

Logan nodded, closing the cabinet and standing before me, looking up at me from my perch on the sink.

"I just hate to have Alex bouncing around all the time," I admitted. "I know she loves being with you and Los and my mom and stuff, but isn't it sort of unhealthy that she doesn't have much consistency?"

"You're her consistency. You always come to get her every evening and take her home and make her dinner- that's what her consistency is. Like you said, she loves being with us, even if it's different every day. She's a social butterfly and she loves to love."

I smiled a little, knowing he was right. Although Alex didn't fully enjoy being at Brooke's house, she always tried to get along with Brooke and entertain herself. She didn't really understand that Brooke had only raised one child- James- and wasn't great with kids. She only understood that she was her grandmother and she had to love her.

"As long as you keep taking care of her like usual and she doesn't lose her OTHER daddy, she'll be fine," Logan assured. I nodded thankfully and hopped down from the sink.

I hugged Logan then, for being such a great friend. He clung to me gently, his head on my shoulder, and when I let go to end the hug, he didn't seem quite ready.

"Thanks, Loge," I said softly, kissing his cheek. "For everything."

His face burned red then, a little smile on his lips. I knew he knew that the kiss didn't mean anything… And I think I knew that too…

* * *

_Kenny,_

_Remember when we were kids, just barely dating?_

_When you had your longer hair and your childish glow, but you still pulled me back when I got too wild? Now that I think about it, did that ever change?_

_And when I would sneak into your bedroom really late at night and slip into your bed? Remember how we used to cuddle? With our legs all tangled together and my head burrowed between your neck and the pillow. I think the only time you were ever ballsy with me was those nights, when you were tired and in a lovey mood, and your hands would roam all over me while we lay there. I remember the first time you accidentally felt my ass, and you pulled your hand away and you apologized. I laughed really hard that night. Like you weren't ALLOWED to touch my ass._

_Remember the time my mom called me and told me she wouldn't be home for Christmas?_

_Oh, I cried so hard that day. I didn't want to be alone in my house on Christmas morning, I didn't want to having nobody to say "Merry Christmas" to, I didn't want to be by myself._

_You held me in my bed while I cried like a baby. Finally I stopped and was exhausted, and you told me I could go to your house Christmas morning and your mom would wrap the gifts my mom sent me in the mail and have them under your tree._

_Then we grew up and had a baby, and things became less about us and more about money and the house and Alex and jobs._

_I miss how we used to cuddle, how we would share sweet kisses and hug for no reason and fall asleep together. When we used to snuggle on the couch under a blanket and talk._

_When I come home next, baby, I'll book us a day and night in our honeymoon hotel. And we'll just stay there and fall in love again._

_Not that I don't love you anymore._

_It's just that I want that painful feeling of pure love and need that I used to get when we were kids. That feeling when we kissed where my heart would burst out of my chest and I felt like I would puke._

_Right now, though, all I really want is for you to be here. I would settle for just a hug or a peck on the lips or even just an Eskimo kiss. I miss you so much, Kenny. It hurts._

_I miss just touching you- lately all contact I've gotten with you is hearing your voice on the phone. And don't get me wrong, that's enough to hold me over for a while. The sound of your voice soothes the shit outta me. But I miss kissing you and holding you and feeling your warmth. My bed here isn't very warm without you._

_I realized the other day that any of these letters could be my last to you._

_So just in case,_

_Goodbye, my sweetheart. I love you. You're the only person I've ever loved this way, and the only one I plan to love. Now that I'm gone, you have to take care of Alex. Really well. Make sure she doesn't forget me, baby. Please. And make sure Carlos gets along okay, too._

_But mostly take care of yourself. I know you're in a dark place now since I've been gone, but you have to keep that pretty head of yours up and rock on. By HAPPY, my love. Whatever might do that for you. Just not drugs or alcohol. Oh, and if you can, try to avoid letting that thing be Logan._

_I love you so much, Kenny. Never doubt that._

_Love,_

_James_

* * *

I put the letter down in a daze.

My heart was swollen and about to explode. That was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me- the whole letter. And James has said some damn sweet things.

Although James never made it home again to take me to that hotel getaway, the thought of it still made me so happy. I would have loved to go there and just snuggle with my husband and look into his eyes all night, remembering all the reasons I fell in love with him.

I was thinking about what he said, about missing kisses and cuddling and hugs. I realized that I missed that, too. I thought I just missed sex, but I think it was physical contact in general.

He told me himself once that seventy-five percent of love is physical and the other twenty-five is emotional. Currently, was I even in love with James anymore? If what he said was true, I shouldn't be. I wasn't getting any kisses or hugs from him, and he wasn't here to talk to to emotionally contact him.

Logan entered my bedroom, fresh from the shower and dressed in clean PJ's.

"Woah. You look perplexed," he said.

"James got me thinking about love," I said, still thinking. "And right now I don't even know what love is. I mean, I feel like I still love him, you know? But how can I love someone who isn't alive to even talk to me?"

This was something I would usually talk to James about, obviously. We would talk about weird stuff over the phone, and if I asked him about something like this, he wouldn't get offended. He would try to think it out with me, but in the end say something like "It doesn't matter. What matters is that you DO love me and I DO love you."

"I don't know, Kendall," Logan shrugged, sitting on the edge of the bed beside me. "But I don't doubt that you do."

"I mean, there's nothing left to love except a memory."

"You still love him because you have for years and years, and you can't just stop," he reasoned. I liked that he was being truthful, although he didn't like the truth. "It'll fade after a while. After you start craving someone to love you back. You know, craving sex and kissing and being held."

"I already crave that. Am I a horrible husband?"

"I think you're confused about all of this," he chuckled. "Don't worry about being a horrible husband, Kendall. You're not a husband anymore. It's time for you to start thinking about YOU and what makes YOU happy. You know?"

"I'm a daddy. I can't think about me," I mumbled.

"Well you have to try."

I sighed in frustration and reached out of hook my arms around Logan. With a swift motion, I pulled him beside me and was clutching him to me.

"I AM a horrible husband," I mumbled, my face in Logan's moist hair.

"No you're not," he murmured, pulling away and wiping the water from my face with the blanket. "It's time for you to start being happy again. It's been three months."

I wasn't sure if three months was too long to be mourning my husband's death, or entirely too short.

"You don't have to stop grieving over his death," he said, wiping my cheeks. "But you do have to try to be happy again."

He finished drying my face and smiled a little up to me, his dark eyes serene and understanding. He wasn't telling me to love him. He was telling me to just do what I had to to be happy. Just like James.

And I did.

Quickly, before I could change my mind, I pressed my lips to his. Logan was stiff at first, then melted into it. It was a little strange to be kissing my best friend, but I really liked it.

I ended the kiss and snuggled my face into the crook of his neck, feeling his arms around me. It felt good.

Everything was quiet.

For about half a second.

Before the glass angel on the dresser crashed to the ground, shattering, making both Logan and I jump.

The TV flicked on full-blast, making me scramble for the remote, but it turned off on its own, then on again. Logan bolted to the TV, turning it off.

"Dammit, Jay!" I exploded, storming out of the room. I didn't know where I was going, but I needed this imaginary ghost of James to know that I was angry with it. Him? I must have been insane to think James was in my house. That was bullshit. Probably.

I found myself in Alex's room, where I paced in the darkness. I don't know why I was in there. Maybe because if Logan followed me, this imaginary ghost of mine wouldn't hurt him in front of Alex.

"You need to stop this whole jealousy thing, Jay," I mumbled to myself. Actually I was talking to my imaginary ghost. "I'm moving on with my life! You said yourself you want me to be happy! So-"

"Daddy?" Alex asked, sitting up and cutting me off. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, pumpkin, go back to sleep," I said dismissively. She still wasn't feeling well, although her fever was broken, and she barely ate any pizza- which was unlike her.

"Are you mad?"

"Yes, baby."

"Why?"

"Don't worry."

"Daddy doesn't like when you're mad."

I stopped in my tracks and looked at her outline, chills running up my back.

"What?" I snapped.

"Daddy hates it. He telled me that."

"When? WHEN did he tell you?"

"Don't yell!" Alex whimpered.

"When did he tell you, pumpkin?" I asked, gentler this time. She didn't answer me, and I growled to myself and started to steal away.

"Don't be mad!" she pleaded.

"I'm not mad at you, baby," I assured before I reached the door. "I'm mad at your daddy. Go to bed."

I went back to her and tucked her back into the blankets, her little arms clutching his camo jacket, and kissed her before leaving.

I found Logan in the bathroom, the door open, his shirt off and him looking at himself in the mirror.

"Must have gotten it at the hospital… It's just now bothering me," Logan said absently, staring at four long scratches across his chest. Then I noticed another set that started behind his shoulder and stretched to his chest.

I felt like I could puke, but knew I wouldn't.

"It's best you take the guest room tonight," I said softly, holding his eyes through the mirror. His eyes dropped, obviously thinking I wasn't proud of the kiss, and nodded. To reassure him, I gave him a quick peck on his cheek before leaving him.

As I got ready for bed, I was thinking, realizing that I was being ridiculous. Ghosts didn't exist. And even in those whack shows on TV about ghosts, they would never have enough energy to do so much. They couldn't push something off of a dresser AND turn the TV on then off then on again AND scratch someone twice. No way.

The glass angel was just unstable.

The TV, like the alarm clock, had a faulty cord.

Like Logan said- he must have been scratched at the hospital- probably by a kid patient.

I must have looked insane- yelling at nothing. I was being ridiculous. All I needed was a vacation for a few days to clear my head. I owed Logan and Alex apologies. I would make them pancakes in the morning before work.


	10. Stern Talks

**Hey everyone! I'm still here, just not much to say! Thank you all for reading and I love your guts!**

* * *

I woke up early, alone in my bed.

The night before took a few seconds before rushing back and making me feel like absolute shit.

One thing was for sure- I took a step toward moving on last night. It felt great to be kissed and held again. The problem was, I wasn't ready to move on.

"I'm sorry, James," I whispered, like James was there. "I'm just so confused right now."

I waited for his soft touch to push my bangs from my face, his lips to kiss my forehead, his voice telling me it was okay to be confused because he always was. But of course James wasn't there.

Maybe I was ready to move on, but the thought of leaving behind a chapter of my life scared me. The chapter where James was there, being the father of my child, loving me, being my husband. I was leaving that behind, and I didn't like it.

But if I didn't move on from that, I would be stuck in this idle stage forever. And I definitely didn't want that.

I got up and got ready before going to check on Alex in her bedroom. I sat on her bed and felt her forehead, making sure that her fever hadn't come back. Of course that woke her up and her clear hazel eyes opened, blasting me with the image of James and making me look away.

"Morning, Daddy," she grumbled, sitting up.

"Morning, pumpkin," I said softly, finally able to look at her, although it was sort of painful, as she looked a lot like my late husband, who I felt like I was betraying. "How do you feel?"

"Sleepy."

"Are you still sick?"

"No."

"What kind of pancakes do you want?"

"Pancakes?" she perked up. "Do we have chocolate chips?"

"Of course," I smiled half-heartedly. "If that's what you want."

She nodded and I brushed her hair back.

"I'll wake you up when they're done, okay?"

With that, I went to the kitchen, already knowing that Logan liked just plain pancakes with nothing special. Alex wasn't so simple- some days she liked blueberries in hers, some she liked chocolate chips, and some day she didn't want anything in them. When James was home, he would make her cinnamon pancakes, but only he could make those just right, so I never tried.

In about half an hour I was sitting across from Logan, cutting up Alex's pancakes for her.

"Did you sleep okay?" Logan asked me, looking at me skeptically.

"Not really," I sighed. "Why? Do I look like hell?"

"Kinda. But you sleep-walked a lot last night. I had to take you back to bed a few times."

"I'm just stressed out," I admitted. I knew I had been sleep-walking since I was a kid and it happened when I was overloaded with stress. "I think I need a vacation. To the beach. For like four days."

"Can I come?" Alex asked.

"Of course. But I don't think we're really going to the beach, baby," I smiled. "I would like to, but it's not going to happen. Maybe we'll go somewhere, though. Maybe the lake."

"I agree, Kendall," Logan said. "You've been going through a lot. You need a break before YOU break."

"There's no time for breaks, Logan. I have work to do and bills to pay and an Alex to take care of."

"You're gonna have to make time, then. It's important."

I looked up at him, ready to shoot him down again, but then saw the worry in his eyes. He was WORRIED about me.

"Thanks, Loge. Maybe I'll take Al down to my mom's and we'll stay the weekend," I compromised.

"The lake is there!" Alex said excitedly. She loves the lake, because she liked to stand in the shallow end and let the guppies touch her feet, and sometimes my uncle comes and takes her out on his boat, and she loves that. The lake was just down the road from my mom's house, and of course if I asked nicely Mom would let Alex and I visit for a few days.

Logan nodded acceptingly.

"So what's with the pancakes?" he asked.

"I just wanted to make it up to you guys," I said, scooting Alex's plate to her before starting on my own breakfast. "I was out of line last night, and I know I scared you, Al."

"It's okay. Daddy was mad last night," Alex said. I looked up, expecting her to be saying that to Logan about me, but found that she was talking to me. She only called someone "Daddy" to me when she was talking about James.

"Alex, you can't keep saying stuff like that," I said sternly.

"Why?"

"Because Daddy isn't here."

Alex kept her mouth shut and her hazel eyes dropped to her pancakes. I wasn't sure if she had concocted an imaginary friend out of her memory of James or what, but she was creeping me out with talking about him in the present tense.

"Okay, I'm gonna be late," I said, getting up after a while. "Ally, Grandma will be here in about an hour- Logie'll help you get ready."

I slipped on my shoes and grabbed my keys and phone before going back to the kitchen.

"Love you, baby," I said to Alex, kissing her. "And you taste like syrup."

Then, without even thinking, I turned and gave Logan a simple peck on his lips.

I opened my mouth to tell him he also tasted like syrup, but stopped, my brows furrowing in confusion. Logan looked up at me like it was no big deal, and I chuckled a little.

"Sorry," I said.

"No problem," he said smugly.

"That made Daddy mad," Alex sang. I rolled my eyes and started to the door.

"I said no more, Alex," I called. "Be good, I'll come pick you up before dinner."

* * *

Katie and I sat on the edge of the dock, her petite feet dipping into the green water and mine folded beneath me. Mom and Alex stood in the water at the shore and Alex giggled as the little fish suckled at her ankles, my mom taking pictures.

"You look like hell, big brother," Katie said, looking at me as I stared at the sky. I nodded and shrugged, turning to her. She was only 19, still innocent and good- a virgin, never been in love, barely had a boyfriend.

"That's what happens when you grow up," I said. "And when your husband dies."

Her dark eyes dropped and she nodded, twisting her lips.

"Do you think it'll get better for you? It's been a long time since it happened," she said.

"It already has gotten better," I said. "I mean, it hurts less, you know? And Alex seems a little happier, and Carlos is definitely getting there."

"Carlos," Katie grinned. "I haven't seen him in forever."

"He's still around. James' death really killed him, you know?"

"I can imagine. How's Logan? Tell him I miss him."

"He's really good," I said. "He's over a lot, taking care of us."

"He can come take care of me," Katie muttered, making me burst into laughter. Katie had always had a… Thing for Logan.

"He has a crush on me," I told her. "He said that, and it freaked me out but now I think it's sort of cute."

"If you don't want him, I'm legal now."

"I'll put in a good word for you," I winked sarcastically.

"I thought he was straight. Can't a guy just be straight for once?"

"He is. I guess I'm just that irresistible."

"Are you gonna date him?"

"I dunno, Katie. I'd feel guilty. I mean, James just passed."

"James would want you to be happy again and we both know it," she reasoned.

"Not with Logan," I sighed. "They sort of hated each other."

"Well James can get over it. Logan's your best friend, and probably the person you're most compatible with at this point," she said snippily. "James couldn't have expected you to just live as a widower forever. I mean, you have yourself and Alex to consider. The way I see it, James is gone. You have to do what you have to do to be happy again, and he can't stand in your way."

"That's harsh."

"Well James would move on. I know he loved you to bits, but he's got needs and desires, and he couldn't be a single father and we know that," Katie reasoned. "And wouldn't you want him to be with someone that made him happy and understood him?"

"Yeah."

"So then he should want the same," she shrugged. "Do you like Logan?"

"I think so."

"You think so?"

"He's great with Alex. And he's always there for me- he was by my side the whole time when James died. He slept with me in my bed because I needed him to. And I called him once because I was working and Al was sick and he left work to come take care of her, because I needed him to," I smiled a little. "He doesn't force anything, like he wants to. He lets me do things when I'm ready. And-"

"You DO like him."

I smirked and rolled my eyes.

"It's been a while, Katie," I laughed a little. "Since I've had a crush."

"Maybe you should see what Logan's got for you," she said, nudging me. I smiled and turned to her.

"You should be a lawyer," I smirked.

"I'm thinking about it."

"Can I tell you something, baby sister?"

"Yeah."

"I kissed Logan. A few times, actually," I admitted. I hadn't ever told anyone that. "And I missed it- kissing and touching. And he liked it, too. But…"

"But?"

"But am I ready?"

"Maybe not."

"How do I know?"

"I dunno, big brother. I've never been in love," she shrugged. "I think your heart's moving on without you. You're still hung up on James, but your heart wants someone new to love. I know you, Kendall, and you can't go too long without giving affection to someone."

"I have Alex. She's enough."

"Alex and a boyfriend are in two different boats."

I twisted my lips, afraid that she was right. My heart WAS going faster than I was. James always told me that I had a lot of love to give to a man, and currently it was backing up and about to explode.

"I dunno, baby sister," I sighed, dipping my feet into the water. "I DO know that I miss James like crazy."

"I do, too," she said softly. "He was a great brother-in-law. And a great dad. And I could tell he treated you right by the way he touched you, looked at you, smiled at you. I want that with a man."

"It's the best kind of love, Katie. Don't settle for less than that," I smiled peacefully.

"DADDY!" I heard a familiar heartwarming squeal and wet footsteps running up behind us. I twisted around to catch Alex in one arm and she fell to her knees.

She opened her closed hands like she was holding a treasure, and there sat a little brown toad in her hands, sitting strangely still for a toad, but I knew it was alive.

"You're not scared anymore," I said happily, rubbing her back as she dumped the toad into my hand. She used to be afraid of frogs and toads, and James would always pick them up for her so she could pet them.

"Nope. Cause I 'membered how Daddy pickeded them up," she said proudly. "And I did it and he didn't jump!"

I grinned at her excitement and kissed her rosy cheek.

"Love you, pumpkin," I smiled and she kissed me.

"Love you, too."

"Go take him back to the shore, okay?"

"Okay."

I carefully put the strangely calm toad into her hands and she ran back down the dock with my mom to release it.

"I hope she never grows up," I sighed, watching her.

"She looks more like James every day," Katie commented.

"That means she'll be gorgeous," I smiled. "I'll have to fight the boys off of her."

Suddenly I wished James was here, like he usually was. He would be sitting here with us, an arm over each other our shoulders. Eventually Katie would get up to leave us alone and I would cuddle into my husband and he would kiss my hair. Then he would ask if I wanted to swim, and I would agree just to see his body sopping wet and mostly naked.

My sister seemed to see it in my eyes and she rubbed my shoulder, giving me a little smile.

* * *

_Having fun?_

The text from Logan was unexpected, but I smiled through the darkness as I read it. I was lying in my old bedroom, watching TV at about midnight when it came.

_Duh. Katie says she misses you. ;) You coulda come, too, you know._

I lay my phone on my chest and turned my attention back to "Friends" playing on the TV. It wasn't long before my phone buzzed with another text.

_Why? Do you miss me too much?_

I giggled and rolled my eyes, replying with a simple:

_More than I care to admit ;)_

Before I could stop myself I sent the message, and immediately I was afraid of what he would say or think by that. I didn't have much time to ponder, though, because the door opened.

Familiar pitter-patter of little feet on the carpet approached and I propped myself up on an elbow as Alex came into view. Sobbing.

"Al? What's wrong?" I asked quickly. Of course the father in me feared that she was sick or hurt. She wiped her eyes with the backs of her hands and I helped her climb into the bed. "What're you doing up so late?"

"I had a bad dream," she sniffled, calming down in my presence. "Then I waked up and Daddy wasn't there like he always is, and I got scared and came in here."

I helped her get beneath the blankets and she snuggled her back against my chest, hugging my forearm.

"Sorry I talkeded about Daddy," she said softly.

"It's okay," I said softly, kissing her hair. I found that she really took to heart my stern order to not talk about James in the present-tense anymore. I figured that her imaginary friend was used a lot when she was feeling emotional, and that was why I never saw her really cry.

"Is this the show with Joey in it?" she asked.

"Yeah," I giggled. Sometimes she watched this show with me and she didn't understand most of the jokes, but she found Joey's character just comical.

Alex snuggled deeper into me, her soft cheek pillowed by my palm as she watched, eventually drifting off.

I watched her sleep for a while, her face alight by the TV. I stroked her dark curls away from her face, the same texture and color as James'. Her pink lips twitched here and there along with her cute little nose.

My phone buzzed again and I carefully opened the text from Logan, not wanting to wake Alex up.

_I miss you, too._

Despite not wanting to, I smiled to myself before putting the phone on the nightstand.


End file.
